News
Area Dad Arrested for Perjury Regarding the Existence of Santa to Son, Child Detective
Melvin “Dictionary” Jones, a nine-year-old, has emerged as the next big child detective after turning in his father for committing “pinky-promise” perjury concerning the identity of …
US Flag Lowered to Half-Mast Permanently
Following the mass shooting on Tuesday, the mass shooting on Wednesday, and the mass shooting on Thursday, President Donald Trump released a proclamation through the Office …
Canadian Woman to Celebrate Boxing Day by “Kicking the Shit Out of Shoppers”
After spending Christmas Eve with her church and spending Christmas Day with her family, Toronto native Tricia Thompson plans to wrap her wrists and get ready …
Walt Disney Announces Plan to Buy the Rights to Christmas Spirit
Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger announced his plan to buy and copyright the Christmas Spirit last Monday. “It’s actually really simple,” stated Iger during his impromptu …
Area Man Eats Entire Country of Turkey for Thanksgiving
Otto Seljuk, 23-year-old San Diego resident, has reportedly consumed the entire country of Turkey over the course of the Thanksgiving holiday, according to relatives and eyewitnesses. …
Guy in Lecture Won’t Stop Talking, Is Possibly Professor
A recent audit of a 3 p.m. Math 18 lecture has revealed the long-unidentified man who will not stop talking during lecture. Several conflicting sources pointed …
In Aftermath of California Wildfires, Trump Bans Leaves
President Trump enacted an executive order on Monday December 3, to ban leaves scattered on forest floors. Because wildfires in California have led to significant damage …
International Students Camp Out in Gilman Parking Structure Since They Can’t Go Home for Christmas
International students at UCSD have started to prepare their stay at Gilman Parking Structure during Winter Break, having no other place to stay during the three …
Local Renaissance Faire Holiday Feast Serves Blood of a Heretic Instead of Turkey
A local Renaissance faire “spiced up” their Thanksgiving feast this year with authentic medieval cuisine, including the boiled blood of a heretic. “I’m just happy to …
Area Manager Voices Confusion About Why Employees “Just Keep Striking”
On Friday, November 30, local manager Craig Henser released a statement regarding his workers’ recent massive strike over pay cuts and reduced benefits, stating, “I understand …
