Study Shows Most Anti-Vaxxers Are Just Kids Afraid of Needles


Written by: Steven Zhou

Despite not being popular with children, Dr. Franklin Johnson said that he’s proud of his three-stars on Yelp.
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot

A report from the Center for Disease Control has found that 95 percent of the anti-vaccination movement is composed of people with a fear of needles. This new study was conducted in response to “No Needles, No Kidding,” the largest anti-vaccination youth-advocacy group in the nation. It recently released alarming statistics that showed strong correlations between the number of vaccinations received in childhood and rates of “ouchies and owwies.”

“We at the CDC completely understand that getting shots can be frightening for young children,” said Director Robert Redfield, “However, we were shocked to discover how much political clout these people have. Seriously, why are there so many dweebs in these organizations? And why are so many people actually believing these kids? I mean, damn, just because a kid throws a tantrum doesn’t mean you can just give them whatever they want.”

Responses to the CDC Director’s statements were overwhelmingly negative from people choosing to remain unvaccinated. Prominent anti-vaxxer and self-proclaimed “very big boy” Justin Patel explained that he felt personally attacked by the study: “I don’t wanna get needles. They give me big boo-boos that I need mama and dada to kiss, but they keep asking the doctor if I’m sick. My doctor is just a big buttface. Also, Mr. Redfield is being super-duper mean to big kids like me who are smart enough to make our own decisions.” After Patel’s statement, millions of children across the country sent their condolences and weekly allowances to “No Needles, No Kidding.” Over 10 million dollars were collected in the aftermath. The organization announced plans to use their new-found money to lobby extensively for looser vaccine requirements for all American children, especially those found in school districts.

Recent trends show vaccination rates continue to drop as these children’s interest groups gain more exposure. Although concerns over the uptick in diagnoses of previously eradicated illnesses have been raised by physicians and scientists alike, a Gallup poll has shown that most adults would rather give these anti-vaxxer children whatever they want in order to “shut them up.” These statistics baffle Dr. Patricia Jung, a family physician based in San Diego, who remarked, “We really need to reel these kids in. The last thing we need is to have polio come back and infect a bunch of entitled children who are too proud to admit when they were wrong.”

The CDC released a public service announcement urging all Americans to get their children vaccinated. The announcement even had tips on how to discreetly vaccinate one’s child, including methods such as “sneak-injecting a vaccine on your child while they are watching Spongebob” and “hiding a vaccine in your child’s brownies so it will poke through their tongue.”

“It’s sad that it’s come to this,” said Director Redfield, “but I guess when it comes to trustworthiness with the American public, a bunch of clueless children are apparently more trustworthy than a physician who slaved away over a decade of their life to become knowledgeable in human health.”

Content Editor at The MQ

Steven Zhou was made in Canada and designed in California. He tolerates writing and has been occasionally funny since 2016.

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