Photo by: Jack Yang
Despite common perception, the government instituted a significant change during the shutdown last month — the admission of a new state to the Union. The selection of the new state surprised many observers, eschewing long-time favorites such as Puerto Rico or the nation’s capital, but those who guessed the capital would not be far off. While most of Washington, D.C. will remain a part of Virginia, a small area on Pennsylvania Avenue has been admitted to the Union as the State of Emergency.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, commonly known as the White House, comprises the entirety of this new state. The state’s most infamous resident, President Donald Trump, was fundamental in ratifying Emergency’s statehood. When reached for comment, he stated that, “In a State of Emergency, I have all the powers. This is new for me. When my party controlled only three branches of the federal government, we couldn’t do anything. Everyone knows this decision is very smart, the smartest decision, the very best.” Presidential advisor George R. Banks noted that “this is not what State of Emergency means” before learning of his firing over Twitter.
Residents of the new state have quickly moved through the requirements of statehood. License plates in Washington D.C. have always read “Taxation without Representation.” In lieu of a complete redesign, a quick cut-and-paste job has brought about the state’s new slogan, “Representation without Taxation,” which proves popular among residents. Other symbols, such as the State Bird (Lame Duck), the State Flower (An eight day old rose from Walmart in its original plastic wrap), and the State Flag (the Confederate Battle Flag, though not the white one from the final battle), were also quickly chosen.
Previously, Alaska had the smallest number of House Representatives, due to its small population of 740,000. Emergency will be the new holder of this title, as its population of three will give it 0.00004 seats in the House. However, as described by the President, “The genius of the very cool, very fair congressional system will give our fantastic state two seats in the Senate.” By default, these seats will fall to Melania and Barron Trump, in which the latter will become the youngest Senator in U.S. history. The youngest Trump son will reportedly be focusing on a law forbidding governmental and parental involvement in bedtimes and dinner content.
The President has pointed towards the border wall around the new state (previously known as “the fence around the White House”) as an example of the wall he would like to see around the country, as it has been “very great at keeping immigrants out of here.” Commentators have noted that 33 percent of the residents of Emergency are immigrants to the country, to which the president replied “fake news.” President Trump has also declared that if being in the state of Emergency does not allow for more progress on his platform, Emergency will secede from the Union. He cited the “success” of previous secessions whilst saluting the aforementioned state flag.
