Hillary Clinton Announces 2020 Presidential Run, Will Do Everything the Same as Last Time

Written by: Ethan Coston

“Look, if you wanted me to stop running, you should’ve just voted me into office the first time,” said Clinton.
Photo by: Jack Yang

Failed 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced this week that she will pursue the presidency again in 2020 John Podesta will serve once again as her campaign chair, and long time aide Huma Abedin will also return as vice chair. She hired the same senior staffers as 2016 and plans to follow the same campaign strategy of ignoring key states and “crossing her fingers for a win.”

“I think we have a winning strategy here,” said Hillary Clinton in a recent statement. “After four years of Trump and his Russian collusion, there’s no way voters will vote against me this time! And besides, I think voters know that I’m working for their best interests. They don’t really care about the large donations I’ve received from investors or my lack of support for universal healthcare and other progressive policies. I mean, who wants quality healthcare when we can have long lines?”

In response to the announcement, President Trump tweeted: “No Colushin, Ive instructed my W.H. Council Too Investigate Killery’s emails and #LockHerUp.” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders later held a rare press briefing where she dumped boxes of printouts of Hillary’s emails all over reporters. “President Trump was very generous by deciding not to investigate her before,” Huckabee Sanders said as an explanation of her press briefing. “I think this will show the fake news that we mean business and will actually lock her up this time.”

While most democrats and progressives have been calling for younger, more progressive leadership, Clinton’s statement said she decided to run again after “encouragement from my donors — er I mean voters across the country.”

Clinton joins a crowded field of candidates for the democratic presidential nomination, including Tulsi Gabbard, Joe Biden, and Bernie Sanders. Many others are expected to announce their candidacy in the coming months, including Eric Dunham, commonly known as “that one wannabe politician in your poli-sci class who thinks they’re smarter than the professor.”

DNC Chairman Tom Perez announced that the DNC will rig the election so Hillary Clinton can become the first and second woman to win the democratic nomination for president. In response, political analysts characterized the situation as “sparking outrage amongst young, progressive candidates who actually have a good chance of mobilizing voters and winning against Trump.”

Despite her track record of being a centrist Democrat, Perez believes she is the only progressive candidate that has a chance of winning. When asked if following the same strategy as 2016 is a bad idea, Perez said, “Absolutely not! I mean … Trump will never expect us to do the same thing twice! There’s no way we can lose twice.”

Many young voters stated that they plan to write-in the name of Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, even though she won’t meet the age requirement for the presidency for another six years. One voter stated, “Causing a constitutional crisis to get AOC elected president would be a lot better for the country than electing either Trump or Clinton.”

Clinton remains unfazed by these trends. “It really is my time in 2020. I just need someone to tell me exactly how to appear relatable to the youth and teach me how to use the Snapchat. Once I’m president, they’ll finally realize that protecting the status-quo of business interests will be beneficial to everyone, especially to millennials still living with their parents because they’re dirt poor.”

Web Editor at The MQ

Ethan Edward Coston is a third-year Political Science Major from Muir College. He is the current Web Editor and website creator.

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