News
Local Father Just Trying to Balance White Collar Crime, Being There for Son
Local single father Robert “Bob” Barron, senior financial advisor at A/B Investments, confided to a friend last week over lunch that he was struggling to handle …
Frederick Douglass Continues to Elude Trump Administration
In the past week, a news leak from the White House has shown that the Trump administration reportedly attempted to bring in Frederick Douglass to speak …
Local Recruiter Finds Straight White Candidate “Just More Approachable”
Christian Witten, the managing director of New Breath Consultants, announced Monday that they’ve hired a new creative liaison, Daisy Mitchell, who they are certain will “fit …
Trump Uses Phone-a-Friend Option Sooner than Expected
Donald Trump was reportedly “on edge” from recent connections drawn between his administration and Russia, an unprecedented move which led to Trump using his Phone-a-Friend option. …
Student Stuck in Infinite Loop in Tioga Stairwell
On Sunday, the Tioga residence house advisors stated that even more residents are following “elevator etiquette” after one of the two elevators was shut down in …
Lana Del Rey Revealed to be “Witch Queen” after Casting Binding Spell on Trump
Grammy-nominated pop singer Lana Del Rey, after participating in the world wide witches’ binding spell against President Donald Trump, has revealed her True Form as the …
Climate Change Denier Found under Rock, Appointed to Head of EPA
Local business owner Earl Coombs was found early last Monday after having gone missing nearly 32 years ago under a large boulder in Yosemite National Park. …
V.P. Pence Changes Name to “1.24 Cents,” Inspires Patriotism
Last Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence finalized his name change from Mike Pence to Mike 1.24 Cents. When asked about the change, 1.24 Cents replied, “It’s …
Inflation Will Render Cheap Puns Unaffordable for the Bourgeois, Economists Say
After evaluating the national economy last week, economists identified the most recent commodity to fall prey to the ravages of inflation: cheap puns. The rise in …
Sean Spicer Disappears, Found Digging Under White House
Panic struck the White House last week when it was discovered that Sean Spicer, the newly appointed Press Secretary of the Trump Administration, had gone missing. …
