News
Local Frat Star Says “Fuck It,” Respects Women
Following a week of continuous drunkenness and intoxication, TriAlpha member Richard McDaniel shocked his fraternity brothers by denouncing sexism, homophobia, and racism in one fell swoop. …
UCSD Opens First On-Campus Medical Marijuana Dispensary
In an effort to raise profits and “student morale,” UCSD recently announced its decision to add a medical marijuana section to John’s Market and rename it …
Hillary Clinton Announces 2020 Presidential Run, Will Do Everything the Same as Last Time
Failed 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced this week that she will pursue the presidency again in 2020 John Podesta will serve once again as her …
State of Emergency Admitted as 51st State
Despite common perception, the government instituted a significant change during the shutdown last month — the admission of a new state to the Union. The selection …
UCSD Offers Meth Class After Typo
On January 7, a math professor expressed feeling stressed after seeing the three-page roster for his freshman seminar. A spelling mistake in UCSD’s app, WebReg, led …
New Parents Celebrate Their Fetus’ Genitalia With Cake and Explosions
Last night, parents-to-be Donna and Eric Henway sent out invitations to their upcoming party where they plan to reveal the nature of their unborn child’s genitals …
Trump Announces Plans to Run
President Donald Trump recently made an announcement through Twitter: “I am planning to run.” This five-word tweet has caused a commotion in Washington, D.C. as White …
UCSD to Shut Down Over Parking
The Associated Students Council adjourned at 7:26 p.m., failing to pass a resolution to secure funding for the quarter. UC San Diego will shut down at …
Louis C.K. Confident in New Standup Routine About Women
In the aftermath of a recent publicity scandal, comic Louis C.K. has decided to premiere a new standup act in an attempt to curry favor with …
New Avocado-Filled California King Mattresses Take the Country by Storm
In an unexpected trend sweeping the United States, many American couples are redefining the few hours they spend asleep by switching to avocado-filled mattresses. The precise …
