Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
Before the end of the government shutdown, Donald Trump has reportedly sold the Executive Branch on eBay to four-year-old Desmond Wilson. Trump, formerly known President of the United States, is now back to business after handing the entire executive branch of the U.S. government to a child.
The former president remarked, “It was a great deal, actually. CNN doesn’t want you to believe that this is a good thing, but I’ll tell you what — it is. Really, a great deal. The Democrats wouldn’t pass the wall bill, so I said no to reopening the government. I got really bored then because no one budged, so I made a deal. The best deal. I didn’t break my promise. I didn’t reopen the government, and I wouldn’t — so I gave it to someone else. Melania said it needed to be open so I just sold it. Great Deal.”
President Trump left the White House in a private limo since he is no longer in control of Air Force One. One of the White House Maintenance workers, Caleb Schimke, had a differing view than Trump on how the branch was sold, “Yeah, I just looked at his laptop and saw eBay open. I don’t think he really knew what he was doing, because his search history shows searches like ‘how to turn government on’ and ‘what is eBay.’ I think he thought he had to buy the government back because he only marketed it for 99 cents. That’s how a four-year-old got his hands on it.”
When asked about life under the new president, Schimke replied, “Yeah it’s pretty great. I mean, he’s not a bag of dicks like Trump was. Today, he just wanted me to play Hot Wheels with him. Great kid overall. I found the design changes to the White House that he proposed pretty interesting.” Schimke then excused himself to continue painting hot rod flames across the walls.
Now under new leadership, the White House’s future is uncertain. President Wilson has made his stance on many burning issues clear. When asked about his stance on abortion, President Wilson inquired, “What’s that?” His plan to bring more jobs back to America involves “making more Hot Wheels,” and the most important issue to face is providing “more Xbox games.” As the plan to make their company federally owned looms in the distance, many Microsoft employees are quitting because “government jobs don’t seem too reliable these days.”
Although the country has been split over recent politics, Wilson has stated that his stance on political parties is that “parties are fun.” Some political analysts state that this unifying statement will converge the deeply rooted thoughts of both sides under the Wilsonian Party. The animal mascot is reportedly a “Minion,” and Wilson’s mother plans to make a chocolate cake for the inauguration.
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
