Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
A recon team from the Trump administration’s Space Force sent to explore the universe in mid-2018 has finally returned from their mission outside the solar system. Sergeant Major Avery Johnson recounted the journey: “I don’t know what we stumbled upon.” Johnson showed a picture of a large, metallic ring in the middle of space. “Whether it’s just a giant hula hoop or God’s anti-son-of-a-bitch machine we weren’t about to let those split-jaw lizards have it. I didn’t officially record what we saw other than this photo, but on the way home, I drew up a bunch of really cool futuristic guns someone could make for us to shoot them with. That makes me excited to see them again. I think a sequel trip is on the horizon, and we’ll have better graphics — like high definition screens and stuff — to see what we’re shooting next time.”
On the topic of how human-alien relations were handled during the first contact between two different terrestrial species, Johnson said, “Well, I went up to one of the tall, scaly ones and gave him a big ol’ hug.” Johnson chuckled as he continued, “They didn’t seem to be a fan of that since moments later my Lieutenant had a plasma sword through his spleen and our hug turned into a wrestling match. After we dispatched the welcome party, we decided to land on the huge ring that we saw. We couldn’t find anyone living on it, and it wasn’t the lizards’ home for sure, but that was some suspiciously well kept grass. Somebody’s been mowin’ that lawn, and I’m ready to fight ‘em.”
Private Richard Bisenti showed a video depicting a floating metal sphere. “This little guy was here while Sarge was taking a nap. He was really eyeing Johnson while he was asleep and his little light even turned red every once in a while. I tried to show the boys this video as proof, but they said they couldn’t handle the quality. To that, I tried to tell them that Androids are actually the superior class of smartphones in today’s industry, but they said something about how it’s not scientific data or something. I don’t know.”
Donald Trump reportedly greeted the team by “bringing the American Heroes a hearty welcome meal” after the voyage. Platters of Wendy’s Baconators, 20-piece Chicken McNuggets, and other fast food goods were arranged on the table. Before dining began, Trump asked to take a picture with the crew, holding Johnson’s hand in what Johnson described as a “violent wrestling pull.” The gesture was later clarified to be a handshake.
Captain Jacob Keyes gave a statement as he bit into a McChicken: “Going into uncharted space and firing at everything that moved was reckless. That’s why I’ve planned a return trip to that ring in a week.”
Trump has announced the return of the Space Force into the uncharted area of space in the next coming week. “We will take the biggest starships, aren’t they something, and attack any asshole lizards out there. We’ve also been cooking up something, something really great, I’m not supposed to tell you about it, but I’m going to. We have a new program, we are taking children and making them into super soldiers, it’s really great, the left will tell you it’s sick. Horrible really, they don’t want to protect us from these illegal attacks on our amazing soldiers. We’ve got a man on the case, Master Chief you’ll love him, he’s the best, the strongest man in the world.”
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
