Photo by: Hannah Lykins
Amid the political quagmire of the longest government shutdown in U.S. history, President Trump issued Executive Order 7683, which will begin a rebranding campaign aimed at saving money and improving optics for the U.S. military. The new executive order, colloquially referred to as “Operation Seal the Deal,” will replace the United States Navy SEALs with an all-seal service dubbed the “Seal Force” by the President, effective immediately.
Inside sources have reported that this decision was made either after weeks of deliberation at the Pentagon or when a rogue circus seal defeated the previous Navy SEAL Commander in “hand-to-blubber combat.”
When asked for comment, recent Seal Force recruit Samuel the Seal confirmed the story, identifying the new Commander as “Stabby the Seal.” He indicated such behavior was not out the ordinary for the enterprising seal, adding, “That sounds like Stabby.”
Many Seals now stationed at Amphibious Naval Base Coronado expressed gratitude at having another avenue in society opened for the seal community. One such slippery citizen elaborated, “Since the 1940’s, I think there was this image of the circus and the ocean as being the only two appropriate places for a seal in society, and I think that’s a shame. I mean, personally it’s been really difficult for me since I can’t even balance a ball on my nose.” His friend affirmed, “My whole life, it’s been ‘Get back in the tent’ and ‘Why can’t you just flop around gleefully?’ I’m very ready to take that pent-up rage and direct it at enemies of the United States.”
As for public reception, local children and families have reportedly been dazzled by their now-legal visits to the base. One mother remarked, “I think America really lost track of the whimsy involved with systematic and efficient killing. Now this,” she said, gesturing towards a seal with a tactical M4A1 mounted to its back, “I can get behind.”
Some, however, worry that this choice was not a result of careful consideration, but rather due to the influence of interest groups looking to boost herring sales. Henry the Herring, a self-described “ichthyvist” (fish activist), commented, “I mean, it’s just too convenient. The military went from consuming zero tons of herring each day to nine? I’ve been speaking for years about the power concentrated in the herring industry. This clearly goes all the way to the top.”
Despite activists’ concerns, the public seems to be taking well to the changes. Jimmy Fallon elicited audible “awwws” when he displayed a picture of Stabby the Seal in what he described as “an adorable lil’ captain’s hat” which the Commander is known to wear around the base.
However, trouble may be brewing for the newly-inaugurated special operations force. Not only have recent rumors of some walruses secretly enlisting stirred suspicion at the base, necessitating a “‘don’t tusk, don’t tell’ policy,” but many also speculate that President Trump sees the new violent, rotund, squishy leader with a signature headpiece as a threat. In a leaked audio file, Trump was heard saying “That’s my thing!”
