Freak Groundhog Accident Leads to Eternal Winter

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Phil thought he saw his shadow, but reports claim that he actually just saw his soul leaving his body.
Photo by: Hannah Lykins

Punxsutawney Phil was pronounced dead early in the morning on February 2. Since 3 a.m., reporters and civilians gathered around Phil’s groundhog hole in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. When the groundhog failed to show up, they were confused and attempted to investigate by reaching into the hole. After finding an old solo cup, a giant stick, and what police identified as someone’s lost sock, Phil’s death was confirmed. The reason behind Phil’s death has been left unknown.

“It’s a real shame,” stated nearby reporter Jimmy Connolly before looking down towards the empty hole. “We had a little suit knitted for him and everything.” Other locals expressed disappointment, having planned on using a megaphone, confetti made from paper punches, and fireworks to celebrate Groundhog Day.

After one week, the winter became increasingly intense. Atmospheric scientists and meteorologists from NOAA are currently investigating reasons behind this phenomenon. Since Punxsutawney Phil never emerged, many experts state this as a grim realization for humanity. “There is no groundhog. There is no telling of what the weather will be like — and we all know that groundhogs control the weather,” said scientist Joseph Nelson. “Because we lost our only catalyst, this is a very bad sign. It means there will be no shift in our weather patterns this year. We’re doomed to an eternal winter.”

Upon hearing the news, the government declared “Eternal Winter Damnation Day” a national holiday in honor of Punxsutawney Phil. Phil was initially scheduled for burial. Due to the frozen ground, however, he was instead cremated while reporters fought for warmth over the resulting fire. The impending ice age has made its mark on the nation; after the declaration of Eternal Winter Damnation Day, businesses all over the globe stocked up on winter clothing, snow plowing became a white collar job, and the demand for space heaters became so high that the heaters literally went up in flames.

The country’s newfound eternal winter resulted in mixed public opinion. “Our nation has undoubtedly taken this in stride,” said Cheryl Barson, mother of four, as she watched her children ski to school. “It’s a shame that a groundhog is what left us to this fate, but now we get unlimited snow cones and pretty icicles on the ceiling for life! Who wouldn’t want that?” Meanwhile, in more rural areas across the U.S., people have begun retreating to underground bunkers and distant, isolated areas to prepare for what will inevitably be the sixth ice age. “At this point, you just gotta let natural selection do its job,” stated Joseph Zimmerman, stocking multiple cans in a “secret” underground bunker. “Maybe the next human species won’t base their entire weather pattern on a random rodent.”

Staff Writer at The MQ

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