Trump Announces Plans to Run


Written by: Steven Zhou

“Trump has the right to run, and it’s a right he will exercise,” said Sanders.
Photo by: Hannah Lykins

President Donald Trump recently made an announcement through Twitter: “I am planning to run.” This five-word tweet has caused a commotion in Washington, D.C. as White House correspondents struggled to make sense of its significance after a confusing response from Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

“I think the press is trying to manufacture a state of confusion. President Trump’s message to the public has been crystal clear. He plans on running. His statement is as clear as his ‘Make America Great Again’ slogan, which as we all can tell is definitely happening.” When questioned about whether the President meant “run” as in running for re-election or the physical action of running, Sanders declined to answer and instead asked, “Why is everyone always so interested in what the President means?” before discussing the biases of mainstream media at great length.

First Lady Melania Trump has also shown confusion over the tweet by her husband. “Donald did mention to me that he wanted to lose weight as part of his New Year’s resolution, so I guess it could mean he’s going to jog every day. But he also kept talking about wanting to ‘stick it to the Dems’ because of the government shutdown, so maybe he meant that he’s going to start campaigning again? Honestly, I don’t pay much attention to him because I’m too busy these days turning the White House into a mini-golf course so my family can keep our putting skills sharp. Asking Donald directly is probably your best bet.” President Trump declined to comment on his tweet.

Political analysts at the “Big Three” news networks are split as to what they believe the meaning of the tweet is. CNN and MSNBC declared that they side more with “run” as in the President plans on physically running, especially considering the President’s partiality towards nacho bowls which caused him to gain weight. Fox News believes Trump’s message confirms the rumor that he is running for reelection. Nevertheless, an inside source has shared that all three networks are only spending time on this controversy to fill up air-time and increase viewership and ad revenue. “The tweets are pretty much all meaningless, but the network leaders keep showing them because they think no one really cares about the issues. People only like arguing over his tweets. Gotta say though, it makes for some great TV.”

The uncertainty behind Trump’s statement has caused some unease abroad. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly felt tremendous pressure for the future. “I don’t care if Trump decides to run for president again. But what if he actually meant that he’s going to start working out? If Trump gets fit, I might lose my position as the pretty boy of the Americas. I swear, if people start calling Trump a ‘daddy’ on Instagram more often than me, politics is really too far gone.” Russian President Vladimir Putin, however, seems quite unsurprised at Trump’s statement, saying in a conference, “I will neither confirm nor deny my involvement in putting this tweet into President Trump’s mind.”

In light of this tweet, several athletic-wear companies such as Lululemon, Asics, and Adidas have been offering monetary compensation to the White House in exchange for President Trump promising not to wear their products. “We would rather have someone less polarizing represent our brand,” shared Motoi Oyama, CEO of Asics. “Oh yeah, no company would be caught dead with that kind of controversial character,” added Colin Kaepernick outside the set of a new Nike commercial.

Content Editor at The MQ

Steven Zhou was made in Canada and designed in California. He tolerates writing and has been occasionally funny since 2016.

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