November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


UCSD Announces Plans for Khosla to Head Sun God Festival Lineup

Written by: Adam Yoshinaga

“Everybody get wild,” Khosla yelled, “except please put out that joint, this is a smoke-free campus.”
Photo by: Adian Valdez

Undergraduates have, with more frequency as of late, been using Sun God Festival to relax in between midterms for the past 35 years. More recently, however, students have claimed that professors have “no mercy” and schedule midterms “whenever they feel like it after Week Three.” With many students having to miss one or more parts of Sun God Festival because of conflicting midterms, Chancellor Khosla has recently announced plans to take action that will allow the largest crowd possible to attend this year’s festival.

The chancellor allegedly pressured ASCE into releasing the 2019 lineup several months early so students can plan their schedules accordingly. This year’s lineup is as follows: the UCSD pep band, a 64 Degrees employee, and Pradeep K. Khosla as the headliner. The acts will be scheduled to begin at 12 p.m. and end at 3 p.m.

“I have coordinated with ASCE in order to end the festival earlier than usual,” explained Khosla. “Here at UCSD, we like to promote equity and give everyone an equal opportunity to get enough sleep to pass their Saturday morning midterms. Trust me, it is considerably more difficult to get a
hangover when your party ends at 3 o’clock,” he continued, winking.

The students voiced overwhelmingly positive opinions on the lineup. “I have my Math 20B midterm the same day, but my professor has a midterm score replacement with the final, so I’m definitely gonna camp out a week early for Khosla,” said Michael Silva. “I got a 33 percent on my first midterm, but I can still pass the class if I get a perfect score on the final.”

Alexandria Lee disagreed, stating, “I already get enough emails from this guy, and now they’re putting him on stage? What’s he gonna do, tell us about the latest construction? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m definitely bringing an aux this year.”

When asked her opinion on the headlining act, Amanda Adams said, “He’s so dreamy.” Adams didn’t clarify if she was referring to Khosla or the 64 Degrees employee.

In addition to the recent lineup reveal, the chancellor made an announcement of his own, saying, “I’m excited to present my first single, ‘Living Large.’ I can’t wait to see everyone at my debut.” His first single is allegedly an autobiographical song, detailing his life as the leader of UCSD.

Some university staff have expressed their opinions on the chancellor’s new single, which was previewed at the most recent fall Student Affairs all-staff meeting. “He reminds me of a top-notch SoundCloud rapper,” said a humanities professor who wished to remain anonymous. “I expected him to be more of a metalhead, but I would definitely add his new single to the playlist I made: ‘Top Ten-ure Hits.’”

VIP tickets are available for Sun God Festival 2019 starting Week Zero of Spring Quarter. VIP packages include a 10 minute early entrance, complimentary water cups (water not included), and a photoshopped picture with Khosla himself (while supplies last). The proceeds will directly benefit the University of California Foundation for Chancellor Khosla (UCFCK).

Distribution Captain at The MQ

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *