CALPIRG Hires Ghosts to Harass Students in Their Dreams

Written by: Ethan Coston

“You can run from poor air quality, but you can’t hide!” said a CALPIRG ghost.
Photo by: Sage Cristal

UCSD CALPIRG Chair Sophie Haddad announced on Tuesday that the money from the CALPIRG student fee referendum students approved last Spring Quarter will go toward a new campaign titled “Ghost Initiative.” CALPIRG will hire ghosts to harass students in their sleep in order to convince them to sign a petition.

Haddad said CALPIRG will use the ghosts to haunt students in their dreams and will not stop until the unsuspecting victims either join CALPIRG or commit to donating to their latest campaign.

When asked if she thinks students will dislike the new campaigning method, Haddad said, “I don’t see why anyone would dislike being haunted. I mean, students took really well to being chased down Library Walk until they voted ‘yes’ on our referendum last quarter — we got an overwhelming positive response — so I think they will like being harassed in their dreams. Besides, it’s all about the chase anyways. That’s what makes campaigning fun! Who doesn’t like a little bit of haunting?”

In a recent poll, 97 percent of students said they would not take well to being haunted in their sleep — the other three percent were members of CALPIRG. Some participants in the poll were vocal about their indignation.

“Oh my God! What are they trying now? Ghosts? Really?” said Natalie Somney, a third-year from Warren College. “I already only get three hours of sleep a night due to the existential dread of being a student and realizing I’ll never pay back my student loans.

“I really cherish the little sleep I get. I don’t want it to be wasted because CALPIRG can’t find a better way to use their money. I don’t know — maybe they could use it to actually save the bees or do something productive.”

CALPIRG gained notoriety for their aggressive tactics during last spring’s elections, such as following students down Library Walk, obstructing a bike path using an inflatable sea turtle, and releasing beehives into the rooms of students that refused to vote “yes.”

“During the elections last year, someone from CALPIRG followed me down Library Walk and all the way into my lecture in Pepper Canyon even though I had my headphones in and ignored them,” said Alexandra Bartram, a fourth-year from Sixth College. “Joke’s on them. I couldn’t hear a word they said because I was blasting ‘God is a Woman’ on repeat the whole time. I voted ‘no’ just to spite them.”

When confronted about the poll numbers and lack of student support, Haddad said the ghosts will help improve their support among students that sleep — a small demographic. When asked to elaborate, Haddad disappeared in a flurry of “Save the Bees” flyers.

Web Editor at The MQ

Ethan Edward Coston is a third-year Political Science Major from Muir College. He is the current Web Editor and website creator.

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