“Sure my defendant likes beer,” said one lawyer, “but he also enjoys table manners and learning to tie knots.”
Photo by: Jessica Ma
Colleges nationwide will begin to take relevant details into account when handling accusations of sexual assault, such as honors won in the Boy Scouts, third grade reading level, and the approximate number of old ladies assisted across the street. This new policy is part of the Department of Education’s program to combat sexual assault on campus: Halting Improper Misallegations Towards Our Own, or HIM TOO.
Betsy DeVos, the Trump administration’s Secretary of Education who is best known for holding a phone to her ear while parked cars play rap music, explained the rationale behind the proposal. “Sexual assault cases on college campuses are fundamentally ‘he said, she lied’ media circuses.
“We’re simplifying the process by taking all the relevant facts into consideration, such as stories about these young men’s characters and estimations of how much they stand to lose by being arrested for a crime,” she continued. “Things like the nice reviews their kindergarten teacher gave them on their first report card, or the sworn statement of their AYSO soccer coach give us a good look on how well these students have responded to someone counting to three and threatening to take away their Xbox.”
Many agree with the Department of Education’s proposal, arguing that if allegations of assault can potentially damage a student’s reputation, the accused should be able to prove that they are on the brink of success and would be negatively impacted by being caught committing a crime.
“I didn’t know my actions had consequences until I was, like, 21,” said college student and current record holder for most keg stands done on a roof, Brenton Antonoff. “I was late to my internship for a couple weeks in a row, and my dad had to call me into his office to explain that stuff like that really matters.”
Brenton continued, “Like, how are guys supposed to know that girls don’t like the stuff we do at parties? We can’t really hear them over the music and chants for them to take their shirts off.”
On the other side, activists claim that the proposal clearly violates Title IX’s protections against sexual assault and harassment. “Men’s reputations are being protected more than women’s health and well-being,” said civil rights attorney Fatima Lowrie. “Sexual assault cases shouldn’t require a powerpoint presentation on male students’ greatest moments.
“I’ve witnessed parents bringing baby albums to hearings,” Lowrie continued. “Frankly, their time would have been better served putting the cameras down and teaching their sons to stop ripping the heads off Barbies.”
Despite the backlash, male students expect the new policy will return women to their correct legal status established under the historical precedent of the Salem Witch Trials. “I don’t want allegations from my time in college to affect how people see me in the future. I mean, I have a little sister. That’s, like, basically a tiny woman, and I respect her,” Brenton said.
“I’m teaching her how to be smart and successful. She already knows her alphabet, how to use the buddy system when she tries to go anywhere, and how to do some serious damage with her safety scissors. I even got little Susie her first pink pepper spray for her sixth birthday.”
