Cattle Sympathy Campaign Backfires, Consumers Excited to Eat Beef That Bears Their Name


Written by: Andrew Sitko

“Would I be considered free range?” Maler asked reporters.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Animal rights activists swarmed supermarkets early this October and placed the names and pictures on meat packaging of cows that were slaughtered. Their ultimate goal was to make consumers “think about the animal that had a life before being turned into tenderloin” and perhaps refrain from purchasing any more beef. Many speculated that this would be the greatest animal rights protest to date; instead, the campaign appears to have significantly bolstered October beef sales.

“I like really, really enjoy this new packaging!” Nicole Maler, a local grocery enthusiast, said while searching through the packages of meat. “I like to look through the meat aisle and see if I can find any with my name on it! Making ‘Nikki’s Burgers’ for my guests just brightens my day.” When asked for comment on the original intentions of the packaging, Nicole responded while sinking her teeth into a raw ground beef container labeled ‘Nikki the Bovine,’ “I mean, yeah, it is sad that they have to die, but it’s so much fun to do this!”

Ralphs Grocery Store announced a shortage of beef in their stores nationwide a few days after the labeling campaign began. La Jolla resident Paden Duncan, owner of the local Ralphs, stated, “We had to start a lottery over access to the meat aisle in our stores. Each customer has to provide their license and birth certificate in order to be accepted into the raffle. There have been some rather belligerent customers who ignore our rules, so I bought an Australian Cattle Dog with a cattle prod in its mouth to herd them back into line.”

Reporters were able to enter the chaotic supermarket and interview Adrian Garcia, head meat slicer at Ralphs, who provided insight on the process. “Yeah, I mean the protestors really only put cards on a couple packages, but since there’s this huge craze, we started to just write random names on them,” Garcia explained. “It’s not like they come with what cow was killed from the farm, so we take a guess. My formula is to write a bunch of the same generic white names on most of them and sprinkle-in some ethnic names because we all know the only people who care about this are white…”

Not all consumers have expressed enthusiasm. Local resident Sahim Antar grumbled as he walked out of the store, “I always get excited whenever they decide to put names onto things I can eat and drink, but they never have MY name!” Antar stormed away, kicking a homeless man’s change-jar over in anger.

“This really wasn’t how we thought the protest was gonna go. We thought we would make people realize they were complicit in the deaths of animals who have personalities, lives, and families, all erased because of selfish gain,” said local activist leader Danny Murray outside the store, while shaking his head. “We’ve failed this time, but we will all keep fighting the beef industry. For now, we’ll probably fall back onto pissing on the meat in store for shock value.”

With crowds filling up the nation’s grocery stores and no signs of stopping, the labeling campaign seems to have brought on a new era of meat enthusiasm. While it appears the activists have failed in their ultimate goal, others praised the activists for “ushering in a new golden age.” Farmers nationwide have expanded the campaign by naming each cow and giving them each a silly hat and talent. Furthermore, NBC revealed that it will air a new “moosical competition extravaganza” titled “Can Your Cattle Cha Cha?”

Managing Editor at The MQ

Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.

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