The world-renowned University of California, San Diego announced its decision to tear down Revelle, Marshall, and Muir Colleges to make space for the upcoming Seventh and Eighth Colleges.
“We decided on the age-old saying ‘out goes the old and in comes the new,’” Seventh College Planning Task Force President Martha McCarthy stated. “It was tough picking which specific colleges would be the ones to go. Muir was our first choice, due to their constant piping about how great they are and that they’re the best college at UCSD. That was easy.
“We chose Marshall and Revelle based on multiple other factors, including merit, amount of layable grass, and relevance to UCSD’s image of prestige. Sixth was very close to razed instead of Marshall, but was ultimately left alone due to its relevance and some pity.”
Because of the amount of students currently housed in Muir, Marshall, and Revelle, the Seventh College Planning Task Force stated that they will spontaneously tear down the buildings very soon. Any students caught in the landslide will be merely swept along and reportedly not recovered from any rubble nor treated for any injuries, in an attempt to reduce re-housing complications. This process will happen during midterms, which allows for more participation and less students to provide housing compensation to. Some voiced their concern and terror about being destroyed along with the colleges, while others appear to have different opinions.
“Oh, thank God,” said one anonymous student housed in Muir. “I’m this close to dropping out anyways. Topple those buildings, baby.”
“This is alright,” said another student. “Being part of Revelle was great, and going down with the college seems ridiculously noble as hell. I’ll be like a hero! Maybe now I’ll get laid if I survive.”
“Would I still have to pay back my student loans?” questioned another student, “If I do, please send the entire bill to my asshole dad. My mom doesn’t deserve this shit.”
Seventh and Eighth College will “no doubt, be bigger and better than ever,” according to the eighth chancellor of UCSD, Pradeep K. Khosla. All attributes of Revelle, Marshall, and Muir will be incorporated in these new colleges as well as “fun and fresh elements to attract new students.” These elements include “death-defying” water slides, upside-down staircases, and trees delivered directly from the Amazon Rainforest. The organizers and designers of these two colleges claim they were inspired by UCSD’s idol Theodore Seuss Geisel, otherwise known as Dr. Seuss, and a way to “finally get those rich party-school students.”
“This is going to be a turning-point in UCSD’s history,” Khosla declared. “A moment for all of us to be proud of and a new bragging point for one of the U.S.’s greatest schools. We hope that when the time comes to tear down Seventh and Eighth Colleges in 10 years, we can continue to improve.”