The U.S. government recently appointed a new Secretary of the Interior Design.
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
Following accusations of a biased closed confirmation hearing of Brett Kavanaugh, Congress passed a Republican-sponsored bill “increasing congressional transparency” by installing larger glass windows on the Capitol.
The bill’s passage was bitterly partisan, with all the Republicans voting for it and all the Democrats voting against it. “This bill symbolizes the Republican Party’s commitment to giving Americans what they truly want,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Regrettably, the Democrats are once again proving themselves obstacles to the future of America.” McConnell provided no comment when asked if he knew that “congressional transparency” was a figure of speech.
Democratic senators were noticeably flustered while debating the bill. “I’m actually impressed with how idiotic the Republicans are,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein. “How did these people even get through law school?” Senator Cory Booker reportedly shook his head when Senator Lindsey Graham tried convincing him to switch his vote by offering to play him in the popular drinking game “Devil’s Triangle.” Even moderate Senator Joe Manchin couldn’t hold in his exasperation during the debate, where he took a swig from a flask of whiskey while declaring that the Senate “had no time to waste squabbling over trivial matters like this, when we could be voting more beer lovers into the judiciary.”
It will cost taxpayers around 100 million dollars to install the new window panes, due to both the amount of labor required to construct such large windows and the effort needed to “preserve the Capitol’s structural and moral integrity.” Discussion about the window style has stalled, but Senator Orrin Hatch has hinted that Congress is leaning towards using bay windows to maximize the area of transparency into the Capitol.
Locals of Washington D.C. expressed some concerns over the installation of bay windows. One local resident commented, “I think the Capitol looks fine as it is. In fact, after what happened, I think I’d rather have all windows removed.”
Another local shared her anger over the legislation, “How are these people still in office? Windows are not solving any of the problems with Kavanaugh’s confirmation.” When asked for his opinion on this woman’s response, Senator Rand Paul laughed and replied, “Girls will be girls.”
With Republicans now holding power in all three branches of government, the Democrats’ attempts to stall this installation have largely been futile. When asked about the future of the Democratic Party, Feinstein replied, “Things are very grim at the moment, but I think we can pull things around. As long as we avoid red states and keep reminding voters that they are unsophisticated hicks if they vote for our opponents, I’m sure we’ll continue to relate to Americans everywhere.”
At press time, Republican senators were overheard accusing their Democratic colleagues of “obstruction of de-obstruction.” The Democrats responded by accusing Republicans for “obstructing their obstruction of de obstruction because they obstructed their obstruction of objectionable Kavanaugh first.” During this commotion, window industry lobbyists quietly handed “gifts” to senators, asking for their support in the future.
Steven Zhou was made in Canada and designed in California. He tolerates writing and has been occasionally funny since 2016.
