Human Woman Added to Endangered Species List

Written by: Sage Cristal

“The human woman’s coat changes with the season. Here you can see the LL Bean winter collection,” said a park ranger observing a woman.
Photo by: Sage Cristal

Following Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation and appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States, the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) named human women as the most recent endangered species on Earth. Last Monday, IUCN President Zhang Xinsheng held a press conference, where he urged politicians around the globe to create laws that preserve safe habitats for women.

This press release comes at a time of political polarization. This past October, alleged rapist and self-admitted beer lover Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed for the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh was ultimately confirmed by a vote led by “professional gaslighter” Mitch McConnell and was nominated by President Donald Trump, an alleged sexual assaulter himself.

Kavanaugh’s appointment proved to be “the decisive blow” to the already precarious position of security that the human woman exists in, according to the IUCN report. IUCN representatives confirmed that the accession of Kavanaugh — in addition to the wage gap in the United States, the threat of genital mutilation in most of Africa, and every recorded statistic on sexual assault — was what qualified human women for the endangered species list.

In the days following the announcement, the news provoked outpourings of shock and outrage from all cisgender men, while every other minority group described this report as “nothing new.” President and CEO of the Global Fund for Women Musimbi Kanyoro told reporters, “Us women have been endangered since Adam took a bite of the apple and told God that Eve did it. We’ve never had a say, and we’ve never felt safe.” Another women’s rights group, Equality Now, released a statement in response, “Women have always been threatened, but nevertheless, we’ve persisted.” Meanwhile, the National Organization of Women responded to this announcement with a single tweet that said, “LOL. What else is new?”

Although some men are taking the news seriously, many referred to the press release as “fake news.” Rob Bishop, chairman of the House Natural Resources Committee, told reporters, “I didn’t believe the scientists when they said that global warming was threatening the Great Barrier Reef, and I don’t believe those nerds now when they say that men and general masculinity are threatening women. It’s just ludicrous.”

Another denier of women endangerment, rapper Kanye West, said during a meeting with President Trump, “You know, I love women. I love everyone, right? But the campaign ‘I’m with her’ just didn’t make me feel, as a guy, that didn’t get to see my dad all the time — like a guy that could play catch with his son. They think they’re in danger? My masculinity was in danger, but it was something about when I put this MAGA hat on, it made me feel like Superman. That was my — that’s my favorite superhero. I bet if women wore these hats, then they wouldn’t feel so in danger anymore.”

Following the press conference, IUCN President Xinsheng handed out pamphlets that listed ways in which worried citizens could help make human women feel safe in society. The pamphlet listed 428 specific acts that ordinary people can do to help the plight of human women, some of which were as succinct as “#24. Don’t Rape Women,” “#87. Don’t Kill Women,” and “#428. Respect Women.”

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Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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