News
UCSD Dining Halls To Become Allergy-Hostile
“HDH is really covering all their bases with this allergen stuff,” said Shelly Fisher. “They’re even making all their silverware out of nickel!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …
BTS Member Declared Missing In Action; Reunion Delayed
Biden has reportedly promised “only the softest and sweetest of kisses for these poor, dear boys.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In an urgent press conference, HYBE Corporation …
Marshall Student Gets ‘Just OK’ Haircut
“Get 11 haircuts and your 12th one is the same price as the other 11! Wouldn’t want youto stand out,” said one local barber.Photo by Liv …
Separated Couple Fights Over Divorce Attorney
“The scales of justice swing both ways,” said Bernice Parentson.Photo by Theo Erickson A recent string of anonymous forum posts on a legal advice website have …
UCSD to Hold Crow-Killing Event for Halloween
“Actually, I’m pretty sure these are ravens,” said ornithologist Richard Roper.Photo by Dylan Schmidt This Sunday, Vice Chancellor Alistar Ornth announced that UC San Diego would …
Boeing ‘Nearly Fucked’
The new Boeing 737s will reportedly feature coin slots which must be continuouslyfed in order to keep the plane in the air.Photo by Liv Gilbert Amidst …
Police Forbid Hunting and Gathering in Wake of Hurricane
“You think hunting and gathering is bad?” said one police officer. “Some of these sickos are growingtheir own crops!”Photo by Liv Gilbert In the aftermath of …
Geisel Library Hours Cut to 27 Minutes Per Week
According to a recent report, the number of books being borrowed from the library has remained unaffected.Photo by Liv Gilbert Effective this school year, UC San …
Convict Escapes from Prison by Completing Sentence
“He walked by the cop and the cop didn’t arrest him,” said local man Hale Mather. “Defund the police.”Photo by Amit Roth Recently, a wave of …
UCSD Student Uses School Health Insurance
“I’m really glad people are finally starting to use our resources!” said UC Health oozeologist Alexander Dribble. “We’ve seen an ∞% increase from zero to one …
