News
Birch Aquarium to Partner with HDH to Recoup Losses During Renovation
“Some of these fish will kill you, but so would some other dining hall food,” saidFoodworx employee Jade Diaz.Photo by Erica Rosslee This month, Birch Aquarium …
Marines Vow to ‘Do Better,’ Apologize to San Diego Community
“Don’t worry, I’m not just teaching the kids the alphabet,” said Sergeant Major Major. “They’re also learning how to liberate oil.”Photo by Jordan Whitlow Last Wednesday, …
UCSD To Be Sold to Satan
“Damn it… or is that too soon?” one student asked.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Since becoming the subject of much controversy after his alleged mishandling of the …
Cure for Cancer Discovered, Deemed ‘Unprofitable’
“Why don’t you tell the Make-A-Wish kids why they aren’t going to Disneyland?” said one City of Hope representative.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After years of research, …
Scripps Institute of Oceanography to Annex Surrounding Beach Homes
“Talk about trickle-down economics — my hardwood is ruined!” said one La Jolla resident.Photo by Amit Roth The Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO) annex of UC …
Following Ecological Destruction, Fisherman Fishes for Compliments
“You’re telling me this fertilizer doesn’t make the water grow faster?” asked one fisherman.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala The loose parking brake of an unattended truck full …
Toxic Workplace Environments Perfect for Crop Growth
The phrase “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” was found to be one of the most reliable fertilizers.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After world hunger was solved during Summer Session II, the …
Sunshine Market Maximizes Convenience by Abolishing the Illusion of Choice
“I tried to take the bell pepper out of my basket, and three store employees tackled me,” said shopper Anne Flaxis. “I’m allergic!”Photo by Liv Gilbert …
Median Voter Found
“Nobody’s really asked me how I’ve felt about all this, and I don’t really know either,” said Kevin Clerkson.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In the tightly contested …
UC Regents Bans Students from Campuses
“ ,” said .Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In response to the numerous student protests that have heavily impacted the University of California system, the Regents of …
