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‘Hot Debate’ Engulfs National Collegiate Curling Scene
“They’re just too hot,” said Vegen. “We don’t stand a chance!”Photo by Destiny Friday Following their meteoric rise to become NCAA champions, the UC San Diego …
Student Spends ‘Lost Week’ Resting
“I winter broke, but I didn’t winter heal,” said Slaque.Photo by Janice Kim Following a Fall quarter in which they took 22 units and worked part-time, …
Anti-Vaxxers Reinvent Vaccines
“Phages hate this one trick,” said undergraduate research assistant Polly Merrace.Photo by Theo Erickson Meta user Michael Roechip has gained traction for a post that originally …
AI-based Boba Shop, ‘Cha GPTea,’ Starts Using Coffee Instead
“This binary barista doesn’t make my coffee as well as the non-binary barista did,” said former MOM’s patron Mx. Presso.Photo by Theo Erickson An artificial intelligence-based …
Ridge Walk Introduces FasTrak Lane
“And I… I took the Trak less traveled by,” said literature major Carol Quickley.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Starting in Fall 2025, UC San Diego will be …
Weather Forecast Now Shows Chances of CEO Assassination
“Wait, so does ‘20%’ mean 20% coverage of bullet rain, or that there’s a 20% chance of bullet rain?”asked Fawner.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After the assassination …
Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist
“Please don’t use whale puns. They don’t like them. It’s not good for them,” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After pardoning himself for “everything he had …
NFL Declares Hundred-Year Study on Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy
“My head hurts,” said one player.Photo by Amit Roth Last week, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced a new initiative aimed at understanding the long-term …
Elon Musk Takes Place as First Gentleman
“Trump keeps calling himself a coal-powered power bottom,” said a White House staff member.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Two weeks ago, the United States presidential inauguration marked …
Zombie Apocalypse Bankrupts Funeral Industry
“The zombies are to pay taxes,” announced Gavin Newsom in an executive order.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Between the recent zombie apocalypse and the subsequent chaos of …
