Volume 24 Issue 3
Top Ten Similarities Between Your Funeral and Your Wedding
“I’m just here for the open bar” There’s always that one jealous friend who one-ups you and announces theirs in a few months It feels like …
Top Ten Reasons You Should Always Carry an Incredibly Sharp Pair of Scissors
Top Ten Reasons You Should Always Carry an Incredibly Sharp Pair of Scissors Swallowing swords has gotten way too easy for you Taking your shirt off …
Top Ten Reasons You’re Not Wearing Pants
They clash with your underwear You didn’t have any cash, and the only other currency that that goblin took was denim You’re a magician and you …
Top Ten Similarities between Jury Duty and Microwaving a Three-Day-Old Burrito
Top Ten Similarities between Jury Duty and Microwaving a Three-Day-Old Burrito Your parents warned you that you’d have to do it eventually, but you never believed …
Dining Dollars Replaced with Barter System in Light of “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp” Popularity
The new mobile game “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp,” a game focused on altruism and generosity through the exchange of various fruit, fish, and bugs with “crafting” …
World’s Most Powerful Raccoon Actually Just Hundreds of Smaller, Less Powerful Raccoons
After weeks of being terrorized by what appeared to be a nearly 60 foot tall raccoon, Sixth College students were relieved to find that the behemoth …
Area Man Declares Christmas Colors Boring, Is Actually Colorblind
Following the immediate influx of Christmas decorations into markets and superstores alike, local resident Nicholas Clauser chose to reject the waves of red and green. “I …
Muir College Mourns Record-Setting 13th Freshman Lost to Giant Crows
Late last night, the Campus Security Office at UCSD reported that Muir College had its record-setting thirteenth student loss this quarter to flocks of crows frequenting …
Christmas Season completely Revitalizes Coal Mining Industry
This Christmas season has seen the surprising revival of the coal industry in the United States. The sudden rebound is attributed to two factors: Trump’s focus …
Local Asshole Boycotts Hydro Flask, Drinks Water Directly From the Source
Earlier this month, local rookie activist Flynt Boyle took to boycotting Hydro Flask for capitalizing on portable ways to drink water. Boyle was outraged, claiming that …
