Written by: Mishelle Arakelian and Chris Doherty

Earlier this month, local rookie activist Flynt Boyle took to boycotting Hydro Flask for capitalizing on portable ways to drink water. Boyle was outraged, claiming that water should be left in its most natural state and should only be consumed directly at its source, such as from streams, puddles, kitchen sinks, and sewage run-offs.

Boyle is committed to fighting the “capitalist pigs” at Hydro Flask, regardless of his increased risk of contracting cholera, typhoid, dysentery, Guinea-worm disease, or “some major FOMO.”

Wendy Portnoy, a resident in the nearby area, was aghast at Boyle’s ridiculous actions. Two weeks ago, Boyle came up to Portnoy’s apartment door, started knocking agitatedly, and asked to use her sink. Portnoy was initially reluctant but allowed him to come in, even offering him a glass to use. Boyle violently retaliated against this offer, knocking the glass on the floor and running the tap water directly into his mouth.

Portnoy told reporters that this was not her first encounter with someone who had an aversion to drinking water from a container. “I had a dog once who refused to drink water from her bowl. She ended up testing positive for rabies. Maybe Flynt should get tested. He didn’t look too well.”

Boyle was rushed to the hospital two days ago for severe dehydration.

Social/Publicity Chair at The MQ

Mishelle Arakelian is a third-year Political Science major and Law and Society minor. One time she rejected an internship with the Obamas due to a scheduling conflict.

Staff Writer at The MQ

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