Briefs
Halloween Party Ruined by Untimely Serial Killer: “This Isn’t the One We Hired”
Halloween weekend for a suburban costume party turned into a literal nightmare when one of the guests committed murder. Initially hired as a costumed stripper, the …
Baskin Robbins Accidentally Creates 32nd Flavor, Immediately Destroys It
The internet is buzzing after the Baskin Robbins CEO, Nigel Travis, confirmed the momentary existence of a 32nd ice cream flavor. Travis alerted reporters Sunday evening …
Student Unaware Not Everything Has to Include a Pop Culture Reference
Local first year student Scott Merrifield, in an attempt to prove himself to be just as culturally relevant as other college students, has decided to speak …
Trump Paints White House Green for Some Fucking Reason
Trump announced on Wednesday through Twitter that he was going to paint the White House green. The President did not provide any reason except the statement …
Quarter System to Be Replaced by More Rigorous Quarter Quarter System
The University of California has decided to move away from the quarter system at its universities. According to statements released by the UC, the quarter system …
“HOT SLOTS” Found to be A Social Media Mystery
Ezra Lambert, a self-identified millennial, awoke to a vague and confusing text message on his iPhone last Wednesday morning. The message contained various references to stripclubs, …
Protagonist is “Nothing but Dust in the Wind”
Area final boss Ersatzy, Crown of the Void’s Teeth, was heard proclaiming that local protagonist Avery Puck was “like him, nothing but dust in the wind, …
UCSD Hypnotist Discovered to Incorporate Threats in Act
To commemorate Muir College’s 50th anniversary, Chuck Milligan, a security guard-turned hypnotist, was brought to entertain first year students. This seemingly well-intentioned rousing of limp students …
Chip-On-Your-Shoulder Recently Promoted to Time- To-Freak-The- Fuck-Out-Alarm
An up-and-coming Chip On Your Shoulder has been slowly but surely building up its confidence to become more than a minor nag. After successfully spreading its …
Area Student Finally “gets” Own Sense of Humor, “Hahaha”
Local student Kevin Chu realized, moments before graduation, that he had achieved his four-year goal of comprehending his own sense of humor. “Hahhahahahaaha,” laughed Chu to …
