Briefs
Senior Continues Tradition of Missing Deadlines
Fourth year Gabriel Evans has extended his stay at UCSD by one quarter and enrolled in classes for Fall 2017 as a result of missing his …
Local Frat Has Tear-Filled Final Butt-Chugging Contest of the Year
Local frat Phi Chi Psi’s final butt-chugging contest of the year was filled with heartfelt moments and meaningful speeches that attempted to capture the scary nature …
Student Writes 220-Word Paper in 30 Minutes
Okay, good stuff, gonna get this paper done, it will be great. First things first, music. Oh man, I have not listened to Coldplay in a …
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish” Shirt Too Barf Ridden To Be Considered Green
O’Drunkagain’s Pub in South Boston has reportedly refused service to longtime patron Sam Kennedy this St. Patrick’s Day, stating his “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt could …
Man Discovers Other Religions “Not Just Different Forms of Catholicism”
Area man Jeff Matalazano recently discovered in a “light conversation about anti-Semitism,” that most other religions are not “just Catholicism without Jesus in some parts.” “I’m …
Up and Coming Indie Artist to Release Anthology of Hits as First Album
Indie pop duo “Jen and Eric” is slated to self-release their first record next week, titled “Greatest Hits Vol. 1,” a compilation of their most popular …
Local Student Yells Into Echo Chamber, Feels Better About Future of America
Local student Garry Vikati was concerned about the future of America, until he was finally able to yell into an echo chamber this past week. Vikati …
Conservatives Boycott Snow White Due to “Seven Sinful Dwarves”
Conservatives across the nation are launching a mass boycott against a remake of the Disney film “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,” declaring, “We are outraged …
Grandmother Unaware Phones Work Both Ways
Eliza Barker, matriarch of the Barker multimedia conglomerate, caused “family drama” last week when she off-handedly mentioned at a reunion dinner that her 22-year-old granddaughter Tiffany …
Browns Receive Second Round Pick in Trade, Also Q.B. Brock Osweiler
A spokesperson for the Cleveland Browns announced last week that the team’s management is ecstatic that they’ve received a second-round pick in a trade with the …


