Conservatives across the nation are launching a mass boycott against a remake of the Disney film “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,” declaring, “We are outraged by the liberal filmmakers who are depicting the Seven Dwarves as virtuous creatures, while encouraging our children into committing the seven deadly sins.”

“It’s so obvious that each dwarf represents one of the seven deadly sins,” frequent churchgoer Amy Newgot said. “Doc is greed, because he’s forcing his buddies to slave away in a diamond mine. Dopey is lust. Remember that scene where the little devils lined up to get kisses from Snow White, and Dopey came back for seconds? You can practically see the lust in his dastardly eyes.

“Bashful is one plump bastard, so he’s gluttony,” Newgot continued. “Grumpy is wrath, obviously. Sneezy is envy; he’s envious of everyone whose nose isn’t dripping mucus 24/7. Sleepy is sloth because like my pastor always says, ‘If you are too sluggish to get down on your knees and wash the floors, then you are certainly too lazy to get down on your knees and praise the Lord.

“And last but certainly not least in the eyes of the devil, Happy is pride,” Newgot raved. “He looks like a garden gnome, works in a mine, and doesn’t collect rent when a random stranger decided to live in his home. He ain’t shit.”