Volume 23 Issue 5


Professor Unable to Connect to Projector, Unable to Lecture

Written by: The MQ

Last Monday, David Queology, a professor at UCSD, told reporters that he completely lost his ability to lecture that morning due to irreparable technical difficulties. Queology …


Local Comedian Sure This Joke Will Make Trump Resign

Written by: The MQ

Local stand-up comedian Ashley Morrison wrote a new joke last Friday, which sources say is sure to force Trump to resign. Sources claimed that the joke …


James Cameron to Film All Four “Avatar” Sequels in One Take

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Director James Cameron has announced today that not only will he film all four “Avatar” sequels back to back starting this summer, but he will also …


Spicer Reveals T.V. to Be Just Two Interns With Sock Puppets

Written by: Barak Tzori

An anonymous White House spokesperson for the White House spokesperson revealed to the media this week that the television in the office of U.S. Press Secretary …


Area Woman Petitions for Overseas Siblings to Become U.S. Citizens, Excited to Reunite in Two Decades

Written by: Summer Davis

San Diego resident Minda Bennett recently completed the process for petitioning her two older siblings, Jose and Mellie Edualino, to join her in the U.S. Given …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Penis Cakes

Written by: The MQ

Point: I’m Really Getting Tired of Penis Cakes at Bachelorette Parties Look here, lady. I’ve seen penis cakes before. I’ve been to so many bachelorette parties …


Clerical Error Results in Dog Being Neutralized

Written by: Matt Olson

Scientists everywhere were shocked late last week when veterinarians at a PetSmart in Bakersfield were able to successfully neutralize a dog. The first operation of its …


Liberals Call for ‘Full Commitment’ in National Celebration of Ides of March

Written by: The MQ

During such political and social turmoil, many liberals are appealing to classical works and traditions in order to find peace and purpose. This year, liberal leadership …


Puerto Rico Chosen for Trump’s “Most Dangerous Game”

Written by: Brandon Mougel

The first few months of the Trump presidency have not been without controversy, and a recently signed executive order has sparked even more conversation surrounding the …


Local Father Just Trying to Balance White Collar Crime, Being There for Son

Written by: Lawrence Lee

Local single father Robert “Bob” Barron, senior financial advisor at A/B Investments, confided to a friend last week over lunch that he was struggling to handle …