The first few months of the Trump presidency have not been without controversy, and a recently signed executive order has sparked even more conversation surrounding the president’s choices. By presidential decree, Puerto Rico is to be repurposed as a facility for the president to play the fictitious “Most Dangerous Game,” in which man hunts man.
In a recent news conference, White House press secretary and “spot-on Melissa McCarthy impersonator” Sean Spicer clarified the president’s intentions.
“Trust me, this is a great idea! The president is calling it ‘Winter Camp David,’” assured Spicer, who said that the island will be used as a grounds for entertaining visiting foreign heads of state.
When pressed for what the implications would be for the Puerto Rican people, Secretary Spicer promised that the president has a plan to “humanely” relocate them to Santa Catalina Island in a side effort to “make that place less boring.”
Santa Catalina, however, is a much smaller island than Puerto Rico, and when asked to elaborate on the plan to accommodate this disparity, Spicer explained, “The boat to the island is large enough to transport the Puerto Rican people, so it’s large enough to house them. I don’t know who’s saying it’s not! Those who cannot find residence on the island will be making rounds trips from the port of Long Beach to the island aboard the ‘Catalina Express’ for the time being. It’s a beautiful ride! They’ll be fine!”
The administration is defending the plan, saying that Trump is the first president to find a use for the island territory of Puerto Rico. The president however wanted to make it clear that he holds nothing against the people of the island by tweeting a picture of himself watching ‘West Side Story’ with the caption “I Love Puerto Ricans!”
When President Trump was asked what inspired this decision, he was quick to reference his marketing background.
“I have excellent marketing skills. I knew that we were never gonna make it a state anyway because 51 stars on a flag won’t sell. Would you want that? I wouldn’t,” he said. “I’m going to revamp the Puerto Rican territory while also promoting literacy with this reference to my favorite bedtime story as a kid. And this time I’m gonna make sure the good guy wins. I’m making massive improvements to the branding, in the story, they call it ‘Ship Trap Island,’ but that’s too obvious. You’re never gonna get a good contestant when your name is so obvious. I’m gonna rename Puerto Rico something more subtle, like ‘This Island Won’t Trap You Island.’”
The Trump family is known for their big game hunts, with the first children enjoying safaris in Africa, and the president having “a natural desire to chase game,” proudly claiming in the past, “I move on them like a bitch. You know, I’m automatically attracted to dangerous creatures — I just start attacking them. It’s like a magnet. Just attack. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”
The endeavor will go underway when the president has time from his duties of “Making America Great Again,” a break that isn’t set to occur until issues of the same caliber are dealt with, including but not limited to “taking a few shots off my short game.”
Photo by: Brandon Moguel and Paola Diaz, Staff Writers