Spicer Reveals T.V. to Be Just Two Interns With Sock Puppets

Written by: Barak Tzori

It was not long until Sean Spicer suspected the truth and checked to see if he too had an arm up his butt puppeting his every action.
Photo by: Jonathan Funes

An anonymous White House spokesperson for the White House spokesperson revealed to the media this week that the television in the office of U.S. Press Secretary Sean Spicer is really just two interns holding up sock puppets behind a wooden frame.

The comments outline Mr. Spicer’s television viewing practice and shed light on how he prepares for press briefings — or what he calls “Sermons on the Podium.”

“First Sean digs a big scoop of popcorn out of the popcorn machine in his office,” the report explains. “After a couple of butter pumps he points that old Nokia phone we told him was a remote at the empty picture frame by his wall. That’s when Kathrin and Basil come in.”

Kathrin Buvac, a Harvard Law graduate and current White House intern, squats under the curtain left of the frame and holds up the red sock with googly eyes. Meanwhile Basil Atwan, who was a clerk under three separate Ninth Circuit court judges, hides behind the empty bookshelf and holds the blue sock with the pipe-cleaner ears.

“When Mr. Spicer wants to see what’s on the news, we make sure that the red sock is always beating up the blue sock,” Buvac professed. “Mr. Spicer likes a nice hero’s journey in his news, so Basil knows to fight back with the Democratic sock, but good always triumphs over evil in the end.”

During the daytime the two interns can be observed interlocking sock puppets as if they were kissing on Spicer’s favorite show, “The Bold and the Beautiful.”

“It’s on every day,” blue puppet master Atwan relays, “just before the press briefings. Mr. Spicer says the drama on the show is just like in the White House Briefing Room, with all the betrayal and lust.”

“I want to say a few words before we start off today’s press briefing,” Spicer said before starting off yesterday’s press briefing. “Really, spoilers, but if you’re not caught up I suggest you get out of the game. Did you see how Tube totally ruined Wool’s wedding plans with Argyle?”

Besides entertaining Spicer when he gets bored of relating the actions and thoughts of the government to the people it governs, the two interns are also responsible for teaching the press secretary about topics he’ll be misleading the media about later.

“On the weeks when it’s my turn I find it easiest to bring in props,” explained Atwan. “Like for our raid in Yemen — the Raggedy Ann doll represents the children we killed in their homeland, and the jack-in-the-box is the casket of the American Navy SEAL we had to fly back to ours. The hard part is not punching him through the tv with the sock when he calls your show a success.”

This week Buvac had the duty of explaining the rise in acts of antisemitism to her boss through the medium of puppetry. “Sure, it was tough, but I think that Elmo doll and the sock puppet with the yarmulke really got across.”

At a press briefing today, in response to a question about anti-Semitism in the White House, Spicer replied, “There’s no way it could happen. That’s all for today. This briefing was brought to you by the shape ‘heart’ and the word ‘Jews.’”

Alumnus, Editor-in-Chief 2016-17 at The MQ

Barak Tzori is an MQ Alum and was Editor-in-Chief for the 2016-17 school year.

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