Briefs
Frank Sinatra to Be Posthumously Flown to the Moon
In a discussion of moon travel at a local comic convention, television scientists were asked multiple times: “Why the hell hasn’t Frank Sinatra been flown to …
Student is “Interested” in Protest Event, Has Done Her Civic Duty
UCSD student Kelly Baker has been praised by peers for marking that she is “Interested” in over five protest event pages on Facebook, thereby doing her …
Sony Pictures Greenlights Film with No Concept, Nor Anyone Attached
Sony Pictures has announced their newest “sure to be an Oscar-sweeping blockbuster hit,” to be released late 2017, titled “TBD” and to be directed by “Un …
Pro-Trump Starbucks Boycotter Goes on A Yerba Mate Run
University of North Carolina student Derek Davis found himself without a sustainable source of caffeine to continue his “downvoting” after declaring a boycott against Starbucks. In …
Tree Asked for Political Beliefs, Doesn’t Answer, Is a Tree
A local 30-year-old spruce tree going by the name “NO TRESPASSING, PRIVATE RESIDENCE” was found loitering in a San Diego suburb late Thursday night. When asked …
Numbers Outlawed by Executive Order
An executive order was signed into law last Thursday officially outlawing the use of numbers in all written and verbal circumstances. The order came after extensive …
Middle School Sex Ed Class Ends with Cliffhanger, “To Be Continued” in High School
Graduating students from Margaret “Mayge” Farenhart Middle School completed the first half of the school district’s two-course sex ed program, which initially builds anticipation and then …
Area Senior Pretty Sure Next Quarter Will Be Better For 11th Time in a Row
Area senior Steve Reynolds announced this week that, despite this quarter “taking him by surprise” with the amount of work 12 units of classes required, he …
UCSD Announces Therapy Furries Program
After discovering the success of Therapy Fluffies, UCSD has created a new program to help students de-stress without having to battle dander allergies. On Thursday, UCSD …
Nation Needs Mariah Carey to Wish for Snow
Environmental scientists discovered the true cause of climate change; they believe that all environmental catastrophes can be traced back to the year 1994, when Mariah Carey …
