Written by: Summer Davis

Environmental scientists discovered the true cause of climate change; they believe that all environmental catastrophes can be traced back to the year 1994, when Mariah Carey released her Christmas classic “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”

Carey sings that she “won’t even wish for snow” in the hopes that she will see her lover for Christmas. Immediately after the release of this song, scientists reported rising sea levels, increasing average temperatures, and severe drought.

“There really is no substantial evidence for other causes of global warming,” stated Professor of Environmental Studies Meg Driscoll. “None. Zilch. Mariah is all we got. And now we need her to save us all.”

When asked if she would wish for snow, Carey replied by putting on sunglasses, and stating, “Climate change? I don’t know her.”

Scientists are focusing their research on solutions to the environmental destruction that Carey has wrought, without her wishing power. Driscoll claimed that “Hot in Herre” by Nelly is a promising cure to this crisis, claiming “the lyrics contain an inexpensive and efficient option to combat rising temperatures.”

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