Briefs
New Study Finds Three Cats is Too Many Cats
A recent study from the Cat Relations department at the University of California, San Diego found that three cats is too many cats. The study was …
Area Man Dumps Spare Brain in Vat
A man awoke last Friday morning to gaze upon his mysteriously acquired spare brain. Deciding that he no longer needed an external manifestation of knowledge, he …
Breaks Time, Man Builds Time Machine
Scientists have joined to stabilize the continuum, but don’t believe they can fix time until either 2073 or 307 B.C. “The first thing I did with …
Earth Upset at Trump’s Claim That Climate Change is a Chinese Hoax
Mother Earth recently revealed her thoughts on President-Elect Donald Trump’s claims that climate change is a Chinese conspiracy to make American manufacturing non-competitive. His denialism upset …
At Least Eight Men Reported Dad in a Horrific 16-Person Accident
In a horrible turn of events, an accident Saturday night claimed the lives of at least eight men. Witnesses report the accident was the cause of …
Grandfather Recalls When Gum Was Cheaper, Is Put in A Home
Karl Tunberg was just wondering when his grandchildren last visited when he received a call from his daughter, informing him that he would be packing his …
Mob Boss Expecting You in His Office, “Worried Sick”
New reports state that Ben “Big Bear” Barenstork, head of one of two major local mobs, is still awaiting your presence in his office by midnight, …
Lassie Unable to Warn Timmy About 2008 Financial Crisis
In 2008, Timmy Martin from the long-running television series “Lassie,” was about to buy mortgage-backed securities to improve his financial portfolio. Lassie, seeing the shady practices …
Area Vat Not Sure Why There’s a Brain in It
A large, dark vat awoke early last Friday to find an unsettling feeling in its center. It soon realized that the discomfort was caused by a …
NBC realizes Human Trafficking “Not As Funny As Expected”
In a statement issued after the cancellation of the planned comedy show Mail Order Family, NBC expressed regrets that “sadly human trafficking is a concept that …
