Briefs
Lightning Union to Strike During October Solar Eclipse
Following in the footsteps of the recent SAG-AFTRA and UAW strikes, the United Lightning Bolts announced plans to strike starting on Friday, October 13, a “very …
“Alien Sexist” — Kerning Mishap Leads to “UF-aux Pas”
The National Aliens in Space Administration (NASA) recently declared the existence of sentient alien life located on one of Uranus’ moons. However, the printed announcement was …
DeSantis “Lost in Space” After Disastrous Second Campaign Re-Announcement
Following the backlash from his original presidential campaign announcement, Governor Ron DeSantis reportedly “fell off the face of the Earth,” neither appearing publicly nor reporting to …
Drake Performance SurprisesStudents at Sun God Festival
This year’s Sun God festival was filled with long lines and an array of performances from a variety of artists. However, students were most surprised when …
Plant Speech Decoded, Scientists Heard “More than They Came for”
A breakthrough study has discovered that there is more to plant life than germination and propagation. Lead scientist William Seed found that acoustically isolated plants periodically …
US Treasury Loses Trillion Dollar Coin
With weeks until the debt default deadline and negotiations at a stalemate, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen enacted her plan. “Once I saw that Joseph and Kevin …
Asteroid the Size of a Large Rock to Pass by Earth
According to NASA, a large asteroid will pass within 2,000,000 football fields of Earth on the night of the banana-shaped crescent moon at approximately three-foot-shadow-length time …
Local Chemist Feels Out Of Her Element
Soon-to-be graduated chemistry major Keren Moth reported an ongoing chemical spill of biologically derived saline solution in Muir College. In her injury report, Moth described the …
March Madness Shortens Format To Draw in Younger Audience
After years of declining viewership, the NCAA announced a shift in their annual March Madness tournament in an effort to “pander to those damn kids.” “It’s …
UCSD Athletics Pivots to Rotisserie Chicken Eating
After the president of the Costco Club generated more school spirit and attendance than any sporting event in the history of UC San Diego by eating …
