Briefs
Plant Speech Decoded, Scientists Heard “More than They Came for”
A breakthrough study has discovered that there is more to plant life than germination and propagation. Lead scientist William Seed found that acoustically isolated plants periodically …
US Treasury Loses Trillion Dollar Coin
With weeks until the debt default deadline and negotiations at a stalemate, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen enacted her plan. “Once I saw that Joseph and Kevin …
Asteroid the Size of a Large Rock to Pass by Earth
According to NASA, a large asteroid will pass within 2,000,000 football fields of Earth on the night of the banana-shaped crescent moon at approximately three-foot-shadow-length time …
Local Chemist Feels Out Of Her Element
Soon-to-be graduated chemistry major Keren Moth reported an ongoing chemical spill of biologically derived saline solution in Muir College. In her injury report, Moth described the …
March Madness Shortens Format To Draw in Younger Audience
After years of declining viewership, the NCAA announced a shift in their annual March Madness tournament in an effort to “pander to those damn kids.” “It’s …
UCSD Athletics Pivots to Rotisserie Chicken Eating
After the president of the Costco Club generated more school spirit and attendance than any sporting event in the history of UC San Diego by eating …
Vending Machine Haunted By Malevolent Sprite
Gismeveldi DonCheeto, host of the podcast UCSD Ghost Hunters, claimed that the Subway vending machine on campus is haunted, describing how after only a few months …
STEM Major discovered Eating at Roots
Last Wednesday evening, Muir students reported that they caught a STEM student eating at Roots. “I was eating my food when all of sudden I saw …
International Community Marks 50 Years Since WHO Pandemic Declaration
On March 11, 2020, the WHO officially declared COVID-19 a pandemic. Three years later, many are still grappling with the impact of living through unprecedented times. …
Target Announces Ides of March Pride Collection
On March 12, Target CEO Knott Pandring announced the newest entry to the store’s Pride collection of dishware and home goods: a set of 23 knives …
