Articles
Student Procrastinating at the Beach Discovers the Tides of March
“You’re going to get good news,” remarked Wyrd with her newfound wisdom. “But take care to avoid anything that makes you sad, which could drastically change …
Photoshop Object Select Stops Identifying Women, Claims They Are Not Objects
“Good thing I still have MS Paint on my computer,” said Dugnutt. “Microsoft doesn’t give a shit about objectifying women.”Photo By Sharon Roth Recently, Adobe has …
CDC Recommends Hiding Vaccines Under Mashed Potatoes to Get Anti-Vaxxers to Take Their Medicine
“The worst part wasn’t the vaccine — it was the fact that the Dino Nuggets were touching the mac ‘n’ cheese,” complained Hetfield.Photo by Robin Brewin In …
Computing Major Still In Denial
“Goodbye, World!” printed Stunkens.Photo by Julia Wong To the confusion of many, Lorey Stunkens, a second-year, allegedly refuses to acknowledge that she is majoring in Computer Science. …
Man Claims Covid-19 Created to Annoy Him Personally
“I didn’t think the deep state or my grades could sink so low,” said Klein.Photo by Maria Dhilla Jake Klein, a sophomore in Seventh College, spends most …
James Webb Space Telescope Finds Tragedy in Outer Space
“I don’t care what happens to that planet,” admitted one middle-tier manager. “I just want to get stellar performance reviews.”Photo by Connor Betterly Following the successful …
Frat Houses Campaign to Have New COVID-19 Strains Named After Them
“We’re still getting noise complaints, but now it’s only because of all the coughing,” bragged Jason.Image by Sharon Roth As the nation sees more and more …
Groundbreaking Study Finds Average New Year’s Resolution Is Only Kept for 25 Minutes
“New hour, new me,” said Debilis.Photo by Jack Yang The National Academy of Sciences recently published a study showing that the average New Year’s resolution is …
Student Locked Out of Dorm in Solidarity with MLB Players
“If you can’t let me in, can you at least buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack?” asked Lohmann.Photo by Julia Wong First-year communications major June …
UCSD Announces Virtual Classes To Be Held in the Metaverse
“Many of you have asked about a grading curve,” said one professor. “Well let me introduce you to a product that keeps YOURcurves in top condition.”Photo …
