News
Following Afghanistan Pull Out, Top Generals Still Looking for Bottom Specific
Following the “successful” withdrawal from Afghanistan, the chaos in the final moments at the Kabul airport has Top General Meiner and his compatriots in desperate search …
Count Ejacula Confirms New Line of Male-Enhancing Drugs
Coming to your preferred pornographic platform soon, Count Ejacula’s newest series of male enhancement drugs, including the infamous “VampiraMax Ultra Plus,” promises to “turn your droopy …
Students Desperate for Chance at Black Friday Tuition Discount
“You’re gonna get a deal on this knuckle sandwich,” yelled Sweeney.Photo by Sharon Roth As the holiday season approaches, Black Friday savings are at the forefront of …
Local ASMR Artist Livestreams From the 8th Floor of Geisel During Finals Week
“Surprisingly, my MATH 20C grade is more unsettling than asMARTA’s performance,” said O’Reilley.Photo by Sharon Roth The quietest floor of Geisel Library was disturbed last Tuesday by …
UCSD Announces Transcripts and Diplomas to be Available Exclusively as NFTs
“I can’t believe how easy this crypto stuff is,” exclaimed one student, “I traded my diploma for a picture of a funny monkey and now I’m …
Hanukkah Cut to Seven Days Due to Oil Shortage
“The oil lasting for eight days was no miracle,” said Zelda. “Back then, people didn’t live under Joe Biden’s gas prices.”Photo by Sharon Roth As the holiday …
World Renowned Chef Eats His Words
Tepids is reportedly in hot water over the comments he made.Photo by Robin Brewin Duncan Tepids, the “cream of the crop of rising chefs,” and “internet darling,” …
UCSD Creates New “All Holiday Week” for Convenience
“We gotta look on the bright side of this,” said Bitko. “That means there’s only one defined week of holiday music.”Photo by Maria Dhilla In an attempt …
Lucky Student to Receive Full Ride Scholarship After Participating In Series of Challenges
“During the game, we are legally allowed to murder our roommates” said Peepal, “Who can’t do the dishes now?”Photo by Sharon Roth On Friday, Akhil Peepal successfully …
President Xi Jinping’s Family-Friendly, Close-Up Magic TikTok Series Goes Viral
After the new plan was enacted on the platform, tensions have reportedly risen between the BTS Army and the People’s Liberation Army.Photo by Sharon Roth Since the …
