News
Lucky Student to Receive Full Ride Scholarship After Participating In Series of Challenges
“During the game, we are legally allowed to murder our roommates” said Peepal, “Who can’t do the dishes now?”Photo by Sharon Roth On Friday, Akhil Peepal successfully …
President Xi Jinping’s Family-Friendly, Close-Up Magic TikTok Series Goes Viral
After the new plan was enacted on the platform, tensions have reportedly risen between the BTS Army and the People’s Liberation Army.Photo by Sharon Roth Since the …
Statisticians Create New Phe-Nominal Scale for Extra Special Data Points
“Noferror’s rebuttal of my use of medians was valid, but some of the comments made by other statisticians were just plain mean,” said Stribution.Photo by Maria Dhilla …
Santa Claus Teams With Jeff Bezos, Can Finally “Watch Who’s Naughty and Who’s Nice”
Due to a global resource shortage, Santa and Bezos are considering employing naughty kids in coal mines.Photo by Maria Dhilla This holiday season, former Amazon CEO Jeff …
UCSD Gets Railed by Blue Line Extension
Khosla announced the opening of the trolley by reading out of Dr Seuss’ One Line, Two Line, Red Line, Blue Line.Photo by Sharon Roth Over the course …
UCSD Implements Inclusivity “Mxndate”, Enforces Binary “Mxntality”
Photo by Sharon Roth After months of anticipation and several strongly worded email from campus TERFs, UCSD is finally rolling out their “Inclusivity Mxndate.” Chancellor Khosla …
Breaking News: Animal Spotted in Local Forest
“It’s like a Pokémon… but real,” explained Buttage.Photo by Maria Dhilla Late on Thursday night, UCSD sophomore Peter Buttage noticed an unidentified animal in a eucalyptus grove …
Khosla Releases New “Crypto And Kitchen Exchange” Plan to Replace Dining Dollars
“I don’t give a shit about all this talk of legal tenders,” said Hamburg, “I just want my goddamn chicken tenders.”Photo by Jack Yang In light of …
Movie Producer Approves Movie Adaptation of Its Novelization
“If you haven’t read the book and watched the movie, you’re not going to get this one,” claimed one fan.Photo by Sharon Roth In their newest press …
Girls With Crystals to Reignite the Salem Witch Trials
“Tarot cards? This is a taro latte,” said one of the “witches.”Photo by Sharon Roth Self-proclaimed “witches” are over fire after burning crosses, voodoo dolls, and other …
