News

ArticlesNewsOnline Exclusive ArticlesOnline ExclusivesPolitics

Following Afghanistan Pull Out, Top Generals Still Looking for Bottom Specific

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

Following the “successful” withdrawal from Afghanistan, the chaos in the final moments at the Kabul airport has Top General Meiner and his compatriots in desperate search …

ArticlesHolidaysNewsOnline Exclusive ArticlesOnline ExclusivesTech

Count Ejacula Confirms New Line of Male-Enhancing Drugs

Written by: Lily Everheart

Coming to your preferred pornographic platform soon, Count Ejacula’s newest series of male enhancement drugs, including the infamous “VampiraMax Ultra Plus,” promises to “turn your droopy …

ArticlesCampusNews

Students Desperate for Chance at Black Friday Tuition Discount

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

“You’re gonna get a deal on this knuckle sandwich,” yelled Sweeney.Photo by Sharon Roth As the holiday season approaches, Black Friday savings are at the forefront of …

ArticlesCampusNews

Local ASMR Artist Livestreams From the 8th Floor of Geisel During Finals Week

Written by: Claire McNerney

“Surprisingly, my MATH 20C grade is more unsettling than asMARTA’s performance,” said O’Reilley.Photo by Sharon Roth The quietest floor of Geisel Library was disturbed last Tuesday by …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Announces Transcripts and Diplomas to be Available Exclusively as NFTs

Written by: Aaron Sonin

“I can’t believe how easy this crypto stuff is,” exclaimed one student, “I traded my diploma for a picture of a funny monkey and now I’m …

ArticlesLocalNewsTech

Hanukkah Cut to Seven Days Due to Oil Shortage

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski and Sharon Roth

“The oil lasting for eight days was no miracle,” said Zelda. “Back then, people didn’t live under Joe Biden’s gas prices.”Photo by Sharon Roth As the holiday …

ArticlesLocalNews

World Renowned Chef Eats His Words

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

Tepids is reportedly in hot water over the comments he made.Photo by Robin Brewin Duncan Tepids, the “cream of the crop of rising chefs,” and “internet darling,” …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Creates New “All Holiday Week” for Convenience

Written by: Robin Brewin

“We gotta look on the bright side of this,” said Bitko. “That means there’s only one defined week of holiday music.”Photo by Maria Dhilla In an attempt …

ArticlesCampusNews

Lucky Student to Receive Full Ride Scholarship After Participating In Series of Challenges

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“During the game, we are legally allowed to murder our roommates” said Peepal, “Who can’t do the dishes now?”Photo by Sharon Roth On Friday, Akhil Peepal successfully …

ArticlesNewsTech

President Xi Jinping’s Family-Friendly, Close-Up Magic TikTok Series Goes Viral

Written by: Millie You

After the new plan was enacted on the platform, tensions have reportedly risen between the BTS Army and the People’s Liberation Army.Photo by Sharon Roth Since the …