News
Wolftown Debuts New Locally Sourced Raccoon Bowl
“After eating this, the trash doesn’t look so bad,” claimed Nomick.Photo by Maria Dhilla Throngs of hungry undergraduates were greeted by a new sight on Wednesday at …
On-Campus Housing Regresses to Phase Zero
“There’s a COVID detection system for outgoing water, but none for incoming water. Better safe than sorry!” said the Housing Director.Photo by Sharon Roth Yesterday morning, …
Aides Refuse to Reveal Secret to Queen’s Long Life as 70th Year of Rule Approaches
The Church of England will now accept small children as tithe.Photo by Maria Dhilla As Queen Elizabeth II approaches her 70th year of rule, the Commonwealth …
Psych Student Develops Cure for Déjà Vu
Rats treated with Don’tjà Vu were eight times more likely to double-check that the stove was off before leaving the cage.Photo by Robin Brewin Last month, Don’tjà …
State of California Abolishes Legal Gender, Strictly Enforces Favorite Color Instead
“I just got my government-assigned color,” said Moore-Sherwin. “They said it’s green, but I’m feeling blue.”Photo by Robin Brewin The state of California has made strides …
COVID-19 Positive Students to Isolate in Breakout Rooms
One student had to be further isolated after sending others in their breakout room a virus.Photo by Maria Dhilla UC San Diego students who test positive …
TikTok Songs in Dining Halls Make Customers Prone to Involuntary Fits of Dancing
Since late September, reports of involuntary fits of dancing induced by TikTok songs being played on the radio in dining halls have come in at an …
UCSD to Launch New Subscription Based Wifi Service
On Monday, UCSD announced the launch of a new wifi network that will be available to students that purchase a monthly subscription plan. Preorders for the …
Wall Street Grows Tired of Betting Against the Livelihood of Working Class People, Begins Betting Against Working Class’s Lives Directly
Major Wall Street investors and mutual funds have recently begun a new trading strategy. Instead of investments in traditional businesses or commodities, many investors have traded …
In Resolution of Third Strike, 64 Employees Receive Conciliatory Turkey
Photo by Sharon Roth In the spirit of Thanksgiving, HDH and striking 64 degrees employees finally reached a settlement last Thursday. Student employees have had mixed reactions, …
