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Board of Education Investigates Chromosome “Homolog Agenda” in Biology Curriculums

Written by: Millie You

“It’s Adam and Eve, not adenine and guanine,” insisted one parent.Photo by Sharon Roth Despite its widespread acceptance as part of a standard biology curriculum, parents …

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Costco to Offer Medication Samples

Written by: Connor Betterly

“I love Costco,” said Davis. “I never knew prices so low could make me feel so high.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In a groundbreaking move last week, …

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Taiwan Bids to Be America’s New Asian Sweetheart in 2023

Written by: Bitsy Hsu

“Our company stands for ‘Taiwan Says ’Murica’s Cool!’” said the president of TSMC.Photo by Julia Wong In a statement released January 1, 2023, Taiwan announced a …

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Student Discovers Their iClicker Works Like Remote from “Click” Starring Adam Sandler

Written by: Amit Roth

“A, A, A, A, A, A, A,” said one affected professor.Photo by Amit Roth At the beginning of the winter quarter, second-year student Eva Graveller learned …

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Health Influencer Launches Brand of Mercury Supplements

Written by: Sharon Roth

“Not only is this mercury great for my health, I also love the way it settles in my stomach!” exclaimed one customer.Photo by Sharon Roth Instagram …

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Tesla Unveils Self-Driving Stroller

Written by: Romella Sagatelian

“Damn those new drivers. Always on their mobiles instead of paying attention to the road,” commented one pedestrian.Photo by Amit Roth Just weeks after announcing that …

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Avatar: The Way of Water to Be Re-Released in 192 One-Minute Segments on YouTube Shorts

Written by: James Woolley

“I can’t understand the plot because part 36 was removed for copyright,” lamented one viewer.Photo by Connor Betterly James Cameron announced plans to re-release his latest …

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Student Debt Relief to Be Distributed via Ticketmaster Verified Fan Presale

Written by: Isabelle Mckelvey

“2,000th in line? I know this pain all too well!” stated one fan.Photo by Amit Roth Last week, the U.S. Department of Education revealed that student …

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Physicists Run Out of Greek Letters

Written by: Pranav Reddy

“I don’t get all this fuss. I thought one of the Greek letters was already nu,” said one physics student.Photo by Julia Wong A recent announcement …

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Members of Pink Floyd Lose Almost Every Brick in the Wall Following FTX Collapse

Written by: Liv Gilbert

“Hey Bankman-Fried, leave those kids alone,” said Money.Photo by Amit Roth The list of celebrities that have made public statements about losing significant amounts of wealth …