News
Third-Year Math Major Forgets How to Spell Numbers
“Why can’t I just use the letter ‘x’ to represent every number I have to spell? That would be so much easier,” remarked Calculus.Photo by Julia …
Next-Gen Game’s $70 Price Tag Effective at Raising Executive’s Bank Balance
“They said we couldn’t make video games that cost $70, but the yolk’s on them,” said Edwin.Photo by Amit Roth Since the release of the PlayStation …
Local Rancher Inconvenienced by New Breed of Spherical Cow
“I’ll never have to imagine a spherical cow again,” said one physics student.Photo by Millie You This February, cattle rancher Nicholas “Mixalot” Minhoj was “shocked” after …
Eighth College Named
“Sure, it took us a while to brainstorm the new college name,” said Khosla. “But like they say, the fourth time’s the charm.”Photo by Jacob King …
Lab-Grown Orange Sales Skyrocket After Blood Orange Controversy
“Orange you glad I decided to propose?” asked one Timothy & Co customer.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In 1947, D’Orange Juice, the world’s largest orange grower and …
U.S. Government Pledges Three Million in Thoughts and Prayers to Türkiye and Syria for Earthquake Relief
“I found the praying part easy, but the thought part is really difficult,” said Owntcare. “I’m waiting for more direction from the administration.”Photo by Millie You …
Tritons Confused by Abstract New Brand Guidelines
“I guess if you can’t tell what their brand is, they can’t do anything that’s off-brand,” stated one student.Photo by Connor Betterly In a bid to …
Pepsi Carbonates Ocean in Attempt to Go Carbon Neutral
“I thought Pepsi’s carbonation initiative would taste better,” said one customer. “I’m still a bit salty about it.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Pepsi has begun carbonating the …
UCSD Chemists Abandon IUPAC in Favor of “Making Shit Up”
“I’m pretty sure someone labeled the heavy water as regular water,” remarked one slightly heavier lab student.Photo by Millie You After two afternoons of deliberations, the …
Mother Traps Baby Under Bar to Break Deadlift Record
“I think powerlifting competitions should ban PEBs,” said Hafþór Björnsson. “Performance enhancing babies detract from the clean nature of the sport.”Photo by Connor Betterly On March …
