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Tritons Confused by Abstract New Brand Guidelines

Written by: Connor Betterly

“I guess if you can’t tell what their brand is, they can’t do anything that’s off-brand,” stated one student.Photo by Connor Betterly In a bid to …

ArticlesNationalNews

Pepsi Carbonates Ocean in Attempt to Go Carbon Neutral

Written by: Romella Sagatelian

“I thought Pepsi’s carbonation initiative would taste better,” said one customer. “I’m still a bit salty about it.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Pepsi has begun carbonating the …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Chemists Abandon IUPAC in Favor of “Making Shit Up”

Written by: Katie Campbell

“I’m pretty sure someone labeled the heavy water as regular water,” remarked one slightly heavier lab student.Photo by Millie You After two afternoons of deliberations, the …

ArticlesNationalNews

Mother Traps Baby Under Bar to Break Deadlift Record

Written by: Everett Ririe

“I think powerlifting competitions should ban PEBs,” said Hafþór Björnsson. “Performance enhancing babies detract from the clean nature of the sport.”Photo by Connor Betterly On March …

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Guy Fieri Announces Bid for California Senate Seat with Diners, Drive-Ins and Democracy

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“If he can beat Bobby Flay, he can do anything,” voiced one voter.Photo by Connor Betterly On Tuesday, February 14, longtime California senator Dianne Feinstein announced …

ArticlesCampusNews

UC San Diego Bans Sale of Caffeinated Beverages

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

“Caffeine is technically a drug,” noted one police officer. “That means it should be illegal.”Photo by Amit Roth Citing a new study by Dr. Walter Jolt-a-Lot, …

ArticlesCampusNews

U.S. Lifts Regulations Around Public Works Projects

Written by: James Woolley

“I love the new transportation system,” proclaimed one UCSD student. “Taking a trebuchet to school is teaching me so much about applied physics.”Photo by Amit Roth …

ArticlesCampusNews

Third-Year Math Major Forgets How to Spell Numbers

Written by: Liv Gilbert

“Why can’t I just use the letter ‘x’ to represent every number I have to spell? That would be so much easier,” remarked Calculus.Photo by Julia …

ArticlesNewsTech

Next-Gen Game’s $70 Price Tag Effective at Raising Executive’s Bank Balance

Written by: Jacob King

“They said we couldn’t make video games that cost $70, but the yolk’s on them,” said Edwin.Photo by Amit Roth Since the release of the PlayStation …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Rancher Inconvenienced by New Breed of Spherical Cow

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I’ll never have to imagine a spherical cow again,” said one physics student.Photo by Millie You This February, cattle rancher Nicholas “Mixalot” Minhoj was “shocked” after …