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UCSD Cuts Costs by Hiring Giant Eyeball to Proctor Exams

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“It’s a lie,” said one student. “If someone dies during the test, you don’t automatically get an A.”Photo by Amit Roth As students walk into their …

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UCSD Biology Debuts Discussion Sections with 300 Students

Written by: James Woolley

“Let’s get that kiss cam goin’!” exclaimed one student.Photo by Sharon Roth The Epstein Family Amphitheater hosted the Department of Biological Sciences’ Shame ’n’ Sack Showdown …

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MLB Hires Striking TV Show Writers

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I’m gonna be great at this whole baseball thing,” said one writer. “I’ve already nailed my opening pitch.”Photo by Jacob King and Maria Dhilla Shortly after …

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Pluto Violates Subscription Terms, Loses Planetary Status

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

“They ripped me off,” said Jupiter. “I paid for a whole year’s subscription, but they only gave me 365 days.”Photo by Julia Wong When Pluto first …

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Absolut Unveils Pink-Flavored, Mercury-Infused Vodka for Pride Month

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

“LGBT stands for Let’s Get Buzzed Together,” said John Deackon, an Absolut brand representative.Photo by Amit Roth This week, Absolut Vodka announced a new Pride month …

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La Jolla Village Square Parking Lot Replaced With “The Pit”

Written by: Aaron Sonin

“I love the pit,” said one Ralphs customer. “My 2005 Toyota Sienna went in, and a brand new Lamborghini came out.”Photo by Maria Dhilla On Sunday, …

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US Army Brings ROTC to Preschools

Written by: Jacob King

After two weeks of basic combat training, new BIB recruits will be expected to complete two weeks of intensive potty training.Photo by Amit Roth Over the …

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UCSD Reveals Sun God Is Pansexual in Celebration of Pride Month

Written by: Bitsy Hsu

UC San Diego is reportedly editing Dawn of a Deity for release in Florida.Photo by Julia Wong On June 1, UC San Diego sent out an …

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New LinkedIn Jobs Update Released: LinkedIn Cogs

Written by: Isabelle Mckelvey

“I preferred getting ghosted,” said one LinkedIn Cogs user. “At least I could be righteously angry about that.”Photo by Maria Dhilla Last week, in response to …

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What Hath God Wrought Has Been Spelling Out Something Else This Entire Time

Written by: Amit Roth

“I figured out the first piece of the puzzle,” said one What Hath God Hidden member. “They’re using Morse code.”Photo by Amit Roth Recent controversy has …