News
U.S. Government Pledges Three Million in Thoughts and Prayers to Türkiye and Syria for Earthquake Relief
“I found the praying part easy, but the thought part is really difficult,” said Owntcare. “I’m waiting for more direction from the administration.”Photo by Millie You …
Tritons Confused by Abstract New Brand Guidelines
“I guess if you can’t tell what their brand is, they can’t do anything that’s off-brand,” stated one student.Photo by Connor Betterly In a bid to …
Board of Education Investigates Chromosome “Homolog Agenda” in Biology Curriculums
“It’s Adam and Eve, not adenine and guanine,” insisted one parent.Photo by Sharon Roth Despite its widespread acceptance as part of a standard biology curriculum, parents …
Costco to Offer Medication Samples
“I love Costco,” said Davis. “I never knew prices so low could make me feel so high.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In a groundbreaking move last week, …
Taiwan Bids to Be America’s New Asian Sweetheart in 2023
“Our company stands for ‘Taiwan Says ’Murica’s Cool!’” said the president of TSMC.Photo by Julia Wong In a statement released January 1, 2023, Taiwan announced a …
Student Discovers Their iClicker Works Like Remote from “Click” Starring Adam Sandler
“A, A, A, A, A, A, A,” said one affected professor.Photo by Amit Roth At the beginning of the winter quarter, second-year student Eva Graveller learned …
Health Influencer Launches Brand of Mercury Supplements
“Not only is this mercury great for my health, I also love the way it settles in my stomach!” exclaimed one customer.Photo by Sharon Roth Instagram …
Avatar: The Way of Water to Be Re-Released in 192 One-Minute Segments on YouTube Shorts
“I can’t understand the plot because part 36 was removed for copyright,” lamented one viewer.Photo by Connor Betterly James Cameron announced plans to re-release his latest …
Student Debt Relief to Be Distributed via Ticketmaster Verified Fan Presale
“2,000th in line? I know this pain all too well!” stated one fan.Photo by Amit Roth Last week, the U.S. Department of Education revealed that student …
Physicists Run Out of Greek Letters
“I don’t get all this fuss. I thought one of the Greek letters was already nu,” said one physics student.Photo by Julia Wong A recent announcement …
