Volume 29
Scientist Evolves to Eat Microplastics, Becomes World’s First Human 3D Printer
“Life in plastic — it’s fantastic,” said Dr. Gabriel Barbecue.Photo by James Woolley Last month, Dr. Gabriel Barbecue checked himself into the hospital after experiencing severe …
Susan Bagel: Bread
When I dream, I dream of my grandmother’s fruit bread. Every winter, she made enough loaves to feed a small village, and we feasted on the …
Return Black Friday to Its Roots
If one more person disrespects the internationally-recognized holiday of Black Friday, I am going to lose it. The contempt when you dismiss this patriotic purchasing day …
Study Reveals That It Can’t Get Worse
A research paper published in the Journal of Poor Judgement and Indecision sparked hope in the scientific community after claiming that “it cannot get worse from …
Donald Trump Returns to Twitter, Saves the Platform
Following Elon Musk’s acquisition of Twitter, nearly all users have levied complaints against Musk’s policies. Many have gone so far as to leave the platform altogether, …
Critics Claim Lettuce Truss’ Political Career Is “Salad” After Resignation
Given economic turmoil, record low approval ratings, and the resignation of her Home Secretary, Lettuce Truss had no choice but to resign Friday, ending her historical …
Netflix to Split All of Its Content Into Smaller Channels
“Why would I want this segmented business model when I can watch entire movies in 328 shorts on TikTok?” asked Lee.Photo by Julia Wong Netflix recently …
Local Ghosts Tired of Recent Ghost hunter Paparazzi Boom
Due to a surge in paranormal activity, ghost hunters have become far more popular at UCSD, looking high and low for specters who do not wish …
Starbucks Announces Pumpkin Spice Pumpkins
“Pumpkin spice pumpkins? What’s next, pumpkin spice pumpkin spice pumpkins?” wondered one customer.Photo by Amit Roth On October 1st, Starbucks announced an addition to their highly …
