Volume 28
Candy Hearts to Contain More Specific Declarations of Love
“This Valentine’s Day, we’re trying to get a leg up on the competition, nonsexually,” stated Paula Helvetica, head of Marketing at Sweetheart’s Candies. “Studies show that …
Damning Photos Surface of Tucker Carlson With the Green M&M
A few days ago, an anonymous user posted photos of famed Fox News host Tucker Carlson leaving a Motel 6 with the Green M&M. Immediately, the …
Computing Major Still In Denial
“Goodbye, World!” printed Stunkens.Photo by Julia Wong To the confusion of many, Lorey Stunkens, a second-year, allegedly refuses to acknowledge that she is majoring in Computer Science. …
Man Claims Covid-19 Created to Annoy Him Personally
“I didn’t think the deep state or my grades could sink so low,” said Klein.Photo by Maria Dhilla Jake Klein, a sophomore in Seventh College, spends most …
A Glimpse into the MQ in the Year 3022
Today, we time-traveled to UC San Diego in the year 3022. After going for a slime in the goop car and trying out the new “simulated death” machine, we stopped by the new MQ Office…
James Webb Space Telescope Finds Tragedy in Outer Space
“I don’t care what happens to that planet,” admitted one middle-tier manager. “I just want to get stellar performance reviews.”Photo by Connor Betterly Following the successful …
The MQ Goes on a Quest
After being cooped up inside on our computers for way too long, we decided to embark on a journey just to feel some sort of exhilaration…
Psych Student Develops Cure for Déjà Vu
Rats treated with Don’tjà Vu were eight times more likely to double-check that the stove was off before leaving the cage.Photo by Robin Brewin Last month, Don’tjà …
Some Rocks Don’t Brush Their Teeth
They take their dental health for granite
I Got You This Heart-Shaped Box for Valentine’s Day Vs. You Fool! I Need a Real Human Heart!
Point: I Got You This Heart-Shaped Box for Valentine’s Day Hey Annie. Happy Valentine’s Day. I’m not great at the whole romance thing, but I wanted …
