Volume 28
Candy Hearts to Contain More Specific Declarations of Love
“This Valentine’s Day, we’re trying to get a leg up on the competition, nonsexually,” stated Paula Helvetica, head of Marketing at Sweetheart’s Candies. “Studies show that …
Computing Major Still In Denial
“Goodbye, World!” printed Stunkens.Photo by Julia Wong To the confusion of many, Lorey Stunkens, a second-year, allegedly refuses to acknowledge that she is majoring in Computer Science. …
Damning Photos Surface of Tucker Carlson With the Green M&M
A few days ago, an anonymous user posted photos of famed Fox News host Tucker Carlson leaving a Motel 6 with the Green M&M. Immediately, the …
Man Claims Covid-19 Created to Annoy Him Personally
“I didn’t think the deep state or my grades could sink so low,” said Klein.Photo by Maria Dhilla Jake Klein, a sophomore in Seventh College, spends most …
A Glimpse into the MQ in the Year 3022
Today, we time-traveled to UC San Diego in the year 3022. After going for a slime in the goop car and trying out the new “simulated death” machine, we stopped by the new MQ Office…
James Webb Space Telescope Finds Tragedy in Outer Space
“I don’t care what happens to that planet,” admitted one middle-tier manager. “I just want to get stellar performance reviews.”Photo by Connor Betterly Following the successful …
The MQ Goes on a Quest
After being cooped up inside on our computers for way too long, we decided to embark on a journey just to feel some sort of exhilaration…
Okay, Fine, I Still Haven’t Seen Squid Game
Can you keep a secret? Swear it. Swear on your life. I don’t think I can hide it any longer. It’s been trapped inside of me, …
Escaped Lab Mouse Takes up Residence in Seventh College Elevator
Escaped Lab Mouse Takes up Residence in Seventh College Elevator Last Friday, first-year Seventh College student Christopher Crumbs reported seeing a mouse on one of the …
Top Ten Activities to Do at 3:12 a.m.
10. Throat shredded cheese9. Queerbait8. Wake up from your 15-hour nap7. Imagine yourself winning an argument6. Learn how to play drums5. Ponder the holes in Lewis’s …
