Volume 26
Survey Finds Majority of College Students “Gastronomically Unprepared” for COVID-19
As an increasing number of students are forced to stay home, experts are reportedly concerned about an imminent spike in home fires.Photo by Sharon Roth With no …
Out of Basic Necessities? Shoot Your Greedy Neighbors.
I think it’s fair to say that life has been a little bit hectic these days. With the shelter-in-place orders still in full effect, people have …
I am a Simple Tomato and Bon Appetit Cooked Me 47 Different Ways. This is My Story.
Here’s the thing — I’m a tomato. Yes, I shouldn’t be able to type. I don’t even have thumbs. But have you ever been so pissed …
Six-Foot Social Distancing Recommendation Means High Schoolers will Finally “Leave Room For Jesus” at Prom This Year
One student was confused as to why Jesus was suddenly on board with a public health policy based in science.Photo by Jack Yang Oak Grove High School …
Top Ten Responses to Netflix When It Asks If You’re Still There
Top Ten Responses to Netflix When It Asks If You’re Still There Damn bitch, Hulu wasn’t this clingy Physically, yes. Emotionally, no Yes, but I’m six …
New Guy in Town “Definitely a Time Traveler”
After a dead butterfly was logged as evidence, the sheriff’s department issued a statement urging city residents to report any future events that could have gone …
Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love
Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love Katherine Zimmerman, local mother, has reportedly offered unconditional love to her three sons pending approval of her terms and conditions. …
Student Activists Demand COLA, UC Replies, “Is PEPSI Okay?”
Pepsi Co reportedly plans to feature the protest in a new commercial.Photo by Jack Yang The University of California school system has issued an official response to …
Local Leprechauns Threatened by Climate Change: “Too Much Sun, Not Enough Rainbows”
When questioned by reporters, one leprechaun said, “It’s not easy being green, but it’s not over until it’s clover!”Photo by Jack Yang As winter draws to a …
Price Center’s Dirty Birds Delayed Due to Environmental Protestors Wearing Dawn Shirts
Price Center’s Dirty Birds Delayed Due to Environmental Protestors Wearing Dawn Shirts Last Thursday, confused environmental protestors from the surrounding La Jolla neighborhood stormed Price Center …
