Six-Foot Social Distancing Recommendation Means High Schoolers will Finally “Leave Room For Jesus” at Prom This Year

One student was confused as to why Jesus was suddenly on board with a public health policy based in science.
Photo by Jack Yang

Oak Grove High School has announced that its 2020 Prom Theme is “Social Distancing.” Students will have to stay six feet apart while dancing, and the playlist will include songs like  “All By Myself” by Celine Dion, “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by The Police, and “Dancing with Myself” by Billy Idol. 

Karen Angelface, a spokesperson for a San Diegan Abstinence Advocacy group If You Put It In, You Commit A Sin (IYPIIYCAS), claims that “this is a big win for our group. Prom is usually a big problem for high schoolers — they are one sweaty slow dance away from getting their hormones all ablaze, and when that happens, these teens start to get bad ideas about S-E-X. With this six-foot rule, these teens have no choice but to leave room for Jesus this year!” 

 Students have mixed viewpoints about Oak Grove’s prom theme. Luke Howard, a senior, said, “I am really bummed that I have to stay six feet apart from people during prom this year. I mean, I don’t have a date or anything, but I was planning on getting a girlfriend by grinding on some chick until she decides to date me. Throwback to when the CDC still let me throw it back.” Madison Barkly, another senior, disagrees with Howard, saying, “I, for one, am happy about the six-foot rule this prom. Every school dance, this weird guy named Luke tries grinding on me. It makes me really uncomfortable. Now this year I can dance in peace.” 

 Abstinence Pseudoscientist “Dr.” Jim Goodly, who claims to be an expert in teenage sexual health, said, “My research shows that a majority of teen births take place nine months after prom. You can connect the dots from there — teens are coming to prom and then cumming afterwards. According to our studies, 96 percent of kids who have sex in high school end up in Hell. In 23 percent of cases where high school students have sex, the floor splits open on the spot and drags the two offending parties down to Hell.”

Goodly’s studies receive federal funding, a part of a move from the White House to instill “good, Christian god-fearing” nationwide. White House representative Johnny Thompson responded on behalf of the administration at a press conference. “I can confirm President Donald Trump’s support for teen abstinence,” said Thompson, “just look at his Twitter history.” Thompson then displayed a tweet the President wrote in 2016, which read: “I hate it when people talk about sex. In fact, I’ve paid lots of women tons of money not to talk about sex.”