After a dead butterfly was logged as evidence, the sheriff’s department issued a statement urging city residents to report any future events that could have gone differently.
Photo by Jack Yang
This past Tuesday, at the Yummy Tummy Donuts in Encinitas, a man burst through the bathroom door of the “donuttery” and proceeded to yell, “What year is it? Oh gosh, oh no!” before grabbing a newspaper and running into the street. The sheriff department has advised the public to be on the lookout for the man, who witnesses describe the suspect as “dangerous, disheveled, and wearing a stained lab coat.” However, the townsfolk of Encinitas don’t seem to be worried, instead labeling the man as “just another time traveler.”
“When he asked what year it was, I thought he was making fun of Yummy Tummy’s early 50’s Hollywood Regency style of interior decoration,” remarked Marie McFlub, owner of Yummy Tummy Donuts and present at the time of the incident. “But then I realized oh no, he’s just a time traveler in the middle of Act Two of his romp through time and space.”
Many of McFlub’s employees second the owner’s belief. Ronald Smith, a custodian, said he knew the man to be a time traveler “the second he came out of the bathroom,” saying, “I was in there like a minute before he came out, and the only thing I saw was a faux fiddle leaf plant and a novelty poster that says ‘I donut care.’ Also, he was wearing a class of 2076 sweatshirt, and last I checked, that’s not even a real year!”
The North Coastal Sheriff’s department quickly put out an all-points bulletin for the alleged time traveler. “Now see, time travel isn’t explicitly illegal. We just want to make sure that this guy isn’t trying any funny business,” revealed Deputy Andy Brennan in a press conference Tuesday night. “You know we don’t want him killing a younger version of himself, giving a sports history book to a high school bully, or warning anybody about the rise of our future AI overlords.”
Additionally, the sheriff’s department called Dr. Sarah G. Ermill of the UCSD Physics Department to study the bathroom through which the alleged time traveler emerged. “I found some strong evidence of Whosawhatits, and the place tested positive for Spaceytonium, not to mention the trace samples of Chlorophloroborsnodorphyte” reports Dr. Ermill, who specializes in quantum space travel. “These all point to a family-friendly action-comedy, likely with a summer release.”
To help track down the traveler, the sheriff’s department also enlisted the help of acclaimed casting director Audrey Horne to help narrow down the search. “We’re likely looking for a man 23 to 27. See, they can play a high school senior while also being incredibly more attractive and put together than any high schooler could ever be,” said Horne.
The sheriff department is yet to find the “mysterious time man,” yet they advise citizens to “be on the lookout for the suspect and report any collapses in space-time directly to the police.”
Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.
this one was ok