Volume 24
Top Ten Things Your Professor Will Say on the First Day of Class
“Welcome to the first day of class” “I’m giving you my personal email, but I never really check it” “I wrote the textbook” Nothing audible, they …
Top Ten Reasons Why Bees Are Better Coworkers Than People
The bees accept your invite to go out for drinks Bees don’t have a union They don’t always jam the copy machine, like that damn Tom …
Trump Solves Opioid Problem, Won’t Share the Oxycodone
Just two weeks after the president declared the opioid crisis, a “serious problem the likes of which we have never had,” Trump commissioned the U.S. Attorney’s …
Top Ten Reasons That Alarm is Going Off
Apparently Kinetic Sand is not microwavable It’s the fashion police. You’re under arrest You left someone in your car and you forgot you locked it from …
Area Men in “Stall Standoff” as Both Refuse to Poop Until the Other Leaves Restroom
After five days of awkward coughing, sneaker squeaking, and forced grunts, area men Chris Matthews and Matt Chrishews have stood their ground in what the locals …
Top Ten Reasons You Should Buy That Chainsaw
Using a bat to break a pinata is just too old school You’re interested in making your juggling act more exciting It was on sale so …
Student Unaware Not Everything Has to Include a Pop Culture Reference
Local first year student Scott Merrifield, in an attempt to prove himself to be just as culturally relevant as other college students, has decided to speak …
Trump Paints White House Green for Some Fucking Reason
Trump announced on Wednesday through Twitter that he was going to paint the White House green. The President did not provide any reason except the statement …
Quarter System to Be Replaced by More Rigorous Quarter Quarter System
The University of California has decided to move away from the quarter system at its universities. According to statements released by the UC, the quarter system …
“HOT SLOTS” Found to be A Social Media Mystery
Ezra Lambert, a self-identified millennial, awoke to a vague and confusing text message on his iPhone last Wednesday morning. The message contained various references to stripclubs, …
