Trump Solves Opioid Problem, Won’t Share the Oxycodone


Written by: Sage Cristal

“Oh, are you looking for drugs? Uhh, drugs isn’t home right now,” said Trump, nervously.
Photo by: Daniel Clinton

Just two weeks after the president declared the opioid crisis, a “serious problem the likes of which we have never had,” Trump commissioned the U.S. Attorney’s Office, along with federal, state, and local law enforcement agencies to “aggressively pursue and shut down all opioid trafficking, collect all confiscated drugs, and be careful not to damage the goods.”

The campaign has thus far been successful, having dramatically reducing reports of opioid abuse for most of the country. However, in the days following Trump’s apparent triumph against the opioid problem, a White House staffer has spoken out in opposition to what many believed would be the president’s greatest success in office. Only three days after President Trump ordered the acquisition of all illegal painkillers, a White House intern told reporters that the president was “being greedy with the stash” and “refused to share the Oxy.”

James Miller, the intern in question, revealed to reporters Trump’s real motives for addressing the opioid problem in what he believed to be “the whistleblowing of the century.” Miller told reporters that President Trump had abused his executive power when he consumed a large amount of the confiscated drugs, before refusing to “share a line with his homeboys.”

These revelations confirm suspicions that were first aroused after one of Trump’s press meetings earlier in the campaign, in which he went on a tangent about how he “missed the good old days with good American-made LSD” and lamented how “nowadays the quality’s really gone downhill, but that’s what happens when you start importing from Mexico.”

Following these reports, Robert Mueller, the Special Counsel employed by the Justice Department to investigate Trump’s ties with Russia, has also promised to take a closer look at the Trump Administration’s war on opioids and discover where the confiscated drugs were taken to. With the addition of this new case, the Special Counsel now has two intensive investigations on its plate.”

“At this rate, there will be more open investigations than investigators that I can hire,” bemoaned Mueller. “I might as well be done with the whole thing and just blame it all on the Russians.”

Despite public concerns, Republican leaders have rallied in support of Trump. Senator Mitch McConnell dismissed the charges about Trump’s opioid use and instead described the campaign as a “victory for American ideals.”

“President Trump took what he wanted. If that isn’t the definition of capitalism, I don’t know what is,” proclaimed McConnell. “At the very least, unlike with those welfare queens, now you know exactly who’s using your taxpayer dollars to obtain hard drugs.”

Religious conservatives have also been quick to defend Trump. “Doctors will tell you that drug addiction is a medical condition, but it’s plainly obvious that it is God’s retribution upon those who stray from his holy light,” proclaimed televangelist Jimmy Stevens. “What Trump has done is that he has taken on all the sins of the drug addicts in the form of their narcotics, and as such, he has demonstrated God’s mercy. In a way, he is like a modern-day Jesus, for he will shoot up for us and for all so that sins may be forgiven.”

Officially, the White House is downplaying the rumors. In an official press release, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied that Trump was involved with any oxycodone use and that the rumors were “dubious,” as Trump has “repeatedly made clear his loyalty to traditional hallucinogens.”

Sanders also stressed that “even if [Trump] did have any oxy, he wouldn’t share it with a narc like Miller.”

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Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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