Volume 24 Issue 1
New Tesla Model Will Turn Itself Around If You Don’t Cut that Shit Out
Late last month, standing in front of a crowd of reporters and tech elites, Elon Musk proudly announced the newest model in Tesla’s line of self-driving …
Big Ben’s Chime To Be Replaced with the Screech of a Tea Kettle
There are few things that are quintessential to the London landscape – double-decker busses, cloudy skies, Ian McKellen, and of course, the Big Ben clock tower. …
L.A. Continues Tradition of Hosting Olympics During Worldwide Political Turmoil
On September 14, Los Angeles was officially named the host of the 2028 Olympic Games, with Paris being awarded the 2024 Olympics hostship at the same …
Sixth College To Be Renamed Following Warren’s Warren Buffett Buffet
Early last week, business magnate Warren Buffett was the focus of a fundraising buffet at Earl Warren College, dubbed “Warren’s Warren Buffett Buffet.” The Buffet served …
DSM-6 to Include the Diagnosis “Just a Real Goddamn Piece of Shit”
After considerable backlash following the release of the DSM-5, the DSM Task Force has decided that the DSM-6, slated for release in 2025, will add an …
Study Finds You’re All a Bunch of Snot-Nosed Hobgoblins
This grammatically correct and scientifically factual address goes out to all the illiterate punks in CHEM 40A. Before I reveal the findings of this week-long experiment, …
North Korea Launches Child in Duckie Floatie, Decimates American West Coast
Last Wednesday, at 8:43 GMT, North Korea successfully launched a five-year-old child from a rubber duckie pool floatie, effectively destroying the majority of Washington, Oregon, and …
Recent Housing Applicant Excited To Be Judged Only by Credit Score
San Diego resident Melissa Fuller turned in a housing application for a modest studio apartment last Thursday, and is feeling positive about the process. Fuller reportedly …
Local Professor Writes Final Drunk, Only Student Who Passed Was Also Drunk
Only one student, Edward Mozkortuta, was able to obtain a passing score on a final written by UCSD Professor Mark Pijan. Students who took the final …
“TIME” Names “Tasty” Videos as Person of the Year, Called “The Voice of a Generation”
Last Wednesday, “TIME” Magazine named Buzzfeed’s “Tasty” page as “Person of the Year,” two months before “TIME” typically announces their winner. “Every year, we bestow the …
