The runner grumbled as he was stuck in the right lane, and would therefore have to take the long way around, using the 405 to the 105 to the 110 back to the 10.
Photo by: Lawrence Lee
On September 14, Los Angeles was officially named the host of the 2028 Olympic Games, with Paris being awarded the 2024 Olympics hostship at the same time. L.A.’s hosting of the 2028 Olympics continues a time-honored L.A. tradition of hosting the Olympics during times of international political discord.
“I think this is a satisfying outcome for everyone involved,” said Casey Wasserman, chair of the L.A. 2028 campaign. “Paris gets to celebrate the centennial of their last hosting, and we get to host another Olympics that a good chunk of the world won’t attend because of political or economic hardships.”
L.A. previously hosted the 1932 and 1984 Olympics. The 1932 games were held during the height of the Great Depression, leaving many athletes unable to pay for the journey to L.A., and the 1984 games were boycotted by the Eastern Bloc in retaliation for the U.S’.s boycotting of the 1980 Moscow Olympics in protest of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.
Wasserman expressed optimism about the turnout in 2028. “1932 had a Great Depression, and 1984 had a Cold War. I suppose you’re wondering how we can top either of those. Well, we don’t need either of those things when we’ve already got a Trump, a Putin, a Kim Jong Un, an Erdogan, a global warming … well, you get the idea.”
Some members of the L.A. Olympic Committee have reportedly discussed measures to ensure that the 2028 games are a worthy installment in L.A.’s Olympic history.
“Based on how things seem to be going right now, I think we can easily get the entire Russian sphere of influence to boycott again. Though, that’d hardly be original. Russian boycotts are definitely so 20th century at this point,” explained a member of the committee, speaking on condition of anonymity. “The real fireworks will come if we get Iran and a few more countries to get their anti-American post-revolutionary governments to boycott as well. That’ll be a real retro throwback to 1979, which by my calculations will totally be ‘in’ in 2028.
“And North Korea is practically a gimme either way. Nukes are a great way to get that international tension ball rolling.”
Many do not see the need for such elaborate measures. “If Trump keeps throwing around travel bans like Halloween candy and for some godawful reason they haven’t been repealed by 2028, I’ll guarantee you that that alone could beat 1932’s non-attendance numbers,” said L.A. resident Emilia Alvarez. “And if the traffic on the 5 is as bad in 2028 as it was today, I’ll bet that every one of those stadiums will be ghost towns.”
The Olympic Committees of California’s other major cities have sent their congratulations to L.A. San Diego mayor Kevin Faulconer delivered an especially notable statement in which he emphasized the strong bonds between L.A. and San Diego, and that he “definitely wasn’t mad that another major sporting franchise was going to L.A.”
“LA and San Diego are practically joined at the hip. Y’know, if you just ignore those weirdos in Orange County at least,” said Faulconer. “That being said, maybe our good friends in L.A. can put a good word in for us for 2032, huh? Sound good? Please, I’m begging you, all we have left are the fucking Padres.”
Chris Jin is a fourth year at UCSD
