After considerable backlash following the release of the DSM-5, the DSM Task Force has decided that the DSM-6, slated for release in 2025, will add an array of new disorders, including the anticipated but controversial Just a Real Goddamn Piece of Shit.
“I’m really excited to hear that we’ll be adding what I feel is a disorder that so many people suffer with, but remain without treatment for as a
result of a lack of diagnosis,” said David Kupfer, chair of the DSM-5 task force. “I think people will really be comforted with the knowledge that if their friends or family members are hard to get along with, it’s not the end of the world; in the next few years, being a piece of shit may be treatable.”
Though the DSM-5 was met with significant criticism for its diagnostic overexpansion and influence by the pharmaceutical industry, the DSM Task Force is confident that the DSM-6 will only add new disorders that they feel are necessary.
“I’m really not sure what the problem is,” said Andrew Skodol, one of the chairs of the Personality Disorders task force. “The DSM has and will always be wrongly accused of selling out to Big Pharma. But I can confidently say that Just a Real Goddamn Piece of Shit is just as legitimate of a diagnosis as any other. I mean, no one thought Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder would make it in either, but that still got into the DSM-5.”
Skodol would later add that “scientists would never prioritize money over integrity,” as he stepped into his 2018 Lamborghini Huracan.
Others were less impressed with this decision, including the head of the DSM-III task force, Robert Spitzer.
“You’re kidding me, right?” said Spitzer. “You know, it was Skodol’s idea to add this disorder because he and his wife have been having marriage problems, just like it was Kupfer’s idea to add PMDD because he said his sister was becoming a ‘real bitch’ on her period. I swear, in 20 years being a woman will be its own disorder.”
Most impacted by this decision are local therapists and clinical
practitioners, who will have to decide whether common problematic behaviors their clients may be exhibiting would qualify for diagnosis.
“Personally, I don’t love the Task Force’s decision,” said Linda Johnest, LMFT. “Personality disorders are legitimate and diagnosable, but being an asshole shouldn’t be grounds for a mental disorder. Half the U.S. population would be at risk; we wouldn’t have anyone left to run the country. And don’t even get me started on PMDD.”
Individuals outside the professional community also look forward to the updates. “I don’t know much about mental health, but I’m relieved to hear that Just a Real Goddamn Piece of Shit will become legitimized in the next few years,” said mother of four Roxanne Hasper. “I always knew my ex-husband was a piece of shit, but now I can say for certain that it’s something we can diagnose him with. And if he ever tries to take the kids, it’ll definitely make custody battles a lot easier. Now if only I could diagnose my kids with being little assholes, that’d be great.”
The hiring of new DSM Task Force members is already underway, in order to begin the proposed addition of over 30 new disorders. Some disorders slated to receive diagnostic standing in the DSM-6 include Internet Gaming Disorder, Suicidal Behavior Disorder, and the highly anticipated Being A Little Bit Racist.