Sixth College To Be Renamed Following Warren’s Warren Buffett Buffet

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After the buffet, Buffett kindly offered advice to Foodworx workers on how to convert the business into a nice pyramid scheme.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Early last week, business magnate Warren Buffett was the focus of a fundraising buffet at Earl Warren College, dubbed “Warren’s Warren Buffett Buffet.” The Buffet served as a platform for the investor and philanthropist to announce that he would have Sixth College named after him. Buffett, the second wealthiest man in the United States, seemed eager to have Sixth named after him. He expressed particular enthusiasm to get back at Bill Gates, by “rubbing the fact that he dropped out of college in his little four-eyed face”

In light of recent news concerning UC San Diego’s expansion, namely, the
eventual addition of Seventh College and plans for Eighth, it had come to the attention of University officials that Sixth had yet to be named. Sixth Provost Daniel Donoghue noticed Buffett’s interest in the university and agreed to offer him Sixth College’s titleship at the Buffet. “UCSD has
never taxed its students as much as it has in recent years. And since Sixth college students are going to pay the highest taxes out of all the individual colleges, we figured Warren Buffet would be the perfect mascot to represent that idea,” said Donoghue, explaining the selection of Buffett over other potential candidate.

One anonymous University official added, “His name does have a significant amount of recognition, and he has enough money to donate to the University to make up for any future potential missing funds … I will be listed as anonymous, correct?”

Warren’s Resident Dean, Claire Palmer, was enthusiastic about the recent news. “Plans for Seventh are already in development, and I think it’s a great idea for Warren, the fourth college, to host an event embracing Sixth’s development and maturity,” Palmer said. “Luckily, the buffet won’t cost nearly as much as that sweet plaque-and-bench combo we just installed!”

Buffett, sometimes referred to by poli-sci majors as “the rich old white guy who voted for Obama,” graciously accepted the naming on his behalf, but had some qualms about accepting this responsibility. “I mean, you have Revelle, Muir, and Warren; what am I bringing to the table, you know,

Buffett also expressed concerns about confusion with the already existing
Warren College, and insisted for Sixth to be named “The Better Warren College” or “#1 Warren College.” When asked why “Buffett College” was not an acceptable nor appropriate name, Buffett sighed and responded, “What is this, some kind of culinary school? No, that’s just too confusing. We cannot risk false advertisement to students who misread the name; all the kids are going to apply expecting large amounts of breakfast food.”

The wealthy yet frugal “Sage of Omaha” plans to affirm and uphold the values and community guidelines of Sixth, making sure its students continue to be “dynamic and engaged citizens of the 21st century – innovative, interconnected, and aware … and also not racist.”

Following the christening of The Better Warren College, the other five colleges reportedly submitted offers of their own to rename themselves after Buffett. It is rumored that Chancellor Khosla has even offered to rename the entire university in Buffett’s honor. “I will neither confirm nor deny these rumors. All I can say is that this university is founded upon our appreciation for people with depth of pockets – er, depth of character,” stated Khosla. “UC San Diego was a great institution, but UC Berkshire will be even greater.”

Social/Publicity Chair at The MQ

Mishelle Arakelian is a third-year Political Science major and Law and Society minor. One time she rejected an internship with the Obamas due to a scheduling conflict.

Staff Writer at The MQ

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